Amplify Wellness with Meg Duke

Pet Therapy for Your Love Life

Your pet can teach you a few things about human relationships.

-Susan McQuillan, MS, RDN

When prisoners participate in pet therapy programs, research suggests they not only develop mutually beneficial relationships with their new pets, but also improve their social skills and relationships with the humans in their lives. Similar results have been found in older patients who live in long-term health care facilities. Pet therapy programs have also been shown to boost the wellbeing of hospitalized children. And while the physical and mental health benefits of pet ownership for individuals are well established, a review study published in the September 2016 issue of Anthrozoos: A Multidisciplinary Journal of the Interactions of People and Animals found that caring for Comet and Shadow might also teach you some of the skills that can help keep a love life alive.

The researchers looked at three studies that explored the link between pets and romantic relationships in three different ways: how individuals perceive their pets’ influence on their relationship, how the romantic relationships of pet owners compare to those of people who do not keep pets, and lastly, how your pet affects your ability to empathize, a skill that is essential to good relationships. All three studies showed positive associations between pets and partners. In the first study of how owners view their pets’ effects on their romantic relationships, more than 85% of the responses were positive, less than 5% were negative, and the rest of the responses were neutral. In a community sample of pet owners compared to non-pet owners, those with pets reported better quality relationships all around, including better partner responsiveness, higher level of well-adjusted relationships, and more investment in relationships, compared to couples who did not have pets. The final study concluded that generally, the longer a person owns a pet, the higher their empathy score.

Does this mean you should run out and adopt a dog in hopes of finding or saving a romantic relationship? “Not at all,” says Jennifer Gutstein, LCSW-R, a psychotherapist in private practice in New York. “It simply means that nurturing and developing a relationship over time with a pet can help you develop some of the same skills, like empathy, that are important for success in a romantic relationship.”

While balancing a relationship with a pet and a relationship with another human can also present challenges, especially if the pet prefers one person over the other, or one of you is not a pet lover, the benefits may outweigh the problems for those who have the time and love to devote to a pet, Gutstein adds. It’s not hard science, but the quality of relationship you have with an animal can reflect the quality of the relationships you’re capable of having with other humans.

How Gratitude Changes the Brain – And How to Make it Work For You

-Dr. Hazel Harrison

Last year I wrote an article called ‘How To Teach Your Kids About The Brain’ that I hoped a few of my friends might see… to date, it’s actually been read over 100,000 times.

I continue to get emails about it from people all over the world, commenting on my ideas and sharing theirs. Many adults tell me that they didn’t realise their brains worked in the ways I described – and that having this new understanding has really helped them. One of the ideas that has resonated with people is that naming emotions and brain functions can help us understand the brain better. Let’s focus on what I called “Frightened Fred” (which you might call Frieda, Froggy, or any other creative name you can think of).

Frightened Fred’s got the volume control.

The part of our brain designed to keep us safe is Frightened Fred (along with his friends Big Boss Bootsy and Alerting Allie) who can trigger our ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ response. This part of the brain has been brilliantly effective in the survival of humankind, but it can also get in the way of our daily living sometimes. We have become GREAT at listening to Frightened Fred and spotting the potential pitfalls at every turn: “Did that person in the supermarket just give me a dodgy look?” “Is that chap standing a bit too close to my kids?”

We are primed to take care of our own survival and that of our offspring. Some days, Fred turns up the volume and we focus all our attention on these risks, potential dangers, failures and worst-case scenarios.

Sometimes I listen to Fred. Sometimes I don’t.

Recently, I was invited to speak at a big conference next year. I came off the phone feeling dizzy with excitement. I sat down with a huge grin on my face and allowed the feelings of self- congratulatory praise to come flooding in. Except they didn’t. Fred started making an appearance. “What if I make a terrible mistake?” “What if I face-plant on stage?” “What if I quote someone’s research and that person is actually there, and they tell me I’ve got it all wrong?”

“What if…?” “What if…?”

Let me slow this down. Fred sees the potential threat of a big crowd looking at me. Fred decides to warn me: “Don’t do it, it will end in tears!”

Sometimes I listen to Fred (remember he IS trying to keep me safe) and sometimes he is silenced by Problem Solving Pete and Calming Carl. They say things like: “But what’s the best that could happen?” and “If the worst case scenario does happen, you’ll still be okay – except perhaps for face-planting, you may need medical assistance for that one.”

How do we learn to turn down the hum of unhelpful negativity from Frightened Fred?

Here’s one way: Gratitude

In Woods, Froh and Geraghty’s review of the gratitude research they explain gratitude as “noticing and appreciating the positive in the world”. This could include: the appreciation of other people’s help; feelings of awe when we see something amazing; focusing on the positive in the ‘here and now’ moments; or an appreciation rising from the understanding that life is short.

Grateful Gerty

Let me introduce you to Grateful Gerty, our brain’s gratitude representative. The research tells us that building up Grateful Gerty’s strength is associated with a whole host of benefits. Gerty can make Frightened Fred simmer down and reduce anxiety. Expressing gratitude provides a path to more positive emotions. People who express more gratitude have also been found to have better physical and psychological health.

Robert Emmons is one of the world leading gratitude researchers. Here’s what he says about the benefits:

“We’ve studied more than one thousand people, from ages eight to 80, and found that people who practice gratitude consistently report a host of benefits:

Physical

Stronger immune systems Less bothered by aches and pains
Lower blood pressure
Exercise more and take better care of their health
Sleep longer and feel more refreshed upon waking

Psychological

Higher levels of positive emotions
More alert, alive, and awake
More joy and pleasure
More optimism and happiness

Social

More helpful, generous, and compassionate
More forgiving
Feel less lonely and isolated
More outgoing”

So how does it work?

When we search for things to be grateful for, neuroscientist Alex Korb explains that this activates the part of our brain that releases dopamine (the feel-good hormone) and it can also boost serotonin production (low levels of this neurotransmitter are associated with depression). Or, to put it another way: on Halloween, Gerty’s the one handing out the treats.

Gratitude can change our thinking habits. Regularly spotting the good things in our life can also make it more likely that (even when we’re not looking for them) we see more positives.

And gratitude works on a social level too. It can help us feel more connected to others, which in turn can improve our well-being.

So how do you strengthen Gerty?

Grab a journal and, before you go to sleep each night, write 3 things that went well that day and why you think they went well. Keep doing it for a week. That’s it.

When I first read the research on gratitude, I felt like there must have been some pages missing. “So, they wrote about things they were grateful for, and then they…”? But no. It really is as simple as that.

As Froh and Bono point out, we can be great at analysing why we’re anxious or sad. But when we’re happy, we don’t often stop to ponder why. Mainly because when we are experiencing positive emotions, it’s a signal that all is well in the world; we can relax and enjoy ourselves.

Keeping a gratitude journal allows us to focus on the positive things. It teaches us how to strengthen Gerty’s ability to spot them in the first place – and how to savour them. Some people worry that they won’t be able to find anything to be grateful for. While it’s true that some days the searching may be harder than on others, Korb reminds us that “it’s not finding gratitude that matters most; it’s remembering to look in the first place.”

‘There will always be more important things than gratitude.’

Pets will need taking to the vets, reports will need to be finished, kids will need feeding, cups will need cleaning… gratitude can quickly fall down the ‘to do’ list. But that’s the challenge with taking a proactive approach to well-being. It’s hard to prioritise because you can’t easily see the things you’re preventing.

You may be preventing the onset of depression or anxiety. You may be moving yourself further up the well-being spectrum towards thriving. But scientifically, it would be very hard to prove that.

Be a scientist of your own world.

Just like we know why it’s good to eat healthily and exercise, my mission is to help share the research on ways that we can all take better care of our well-being. I want people to have access to evidence-based ways to improve their mental health.

Some of these ideas might work for you, some of them might not. So, what I’d encourage you to do is this: become a scientist in your own life, and if you decide to try keeping a gratitude journal, observe how it feels for you.

And maybe, just maybe, Gerty will give out some treats.

Reader Beware – What to Look for in a Parenting Article

-Megan Stonelake

Recently I was browsing Pinterest, and I noticed a litany of “how-to” parenting articles throughout my feed. Since that day I’ve consistently observed the same pattern each time I visit the website. Article after article, I find tips about how to make our children stop doing something we don’t like or teach our children how to be or do something we do like.

Examples just from today, all of which have been re-pinned thousands of times, include:

“How to Teach Your Child to Have Self-Control Over Their Thoughts”
“How to Teach Your Child to be Humble and Kind”
“How to Teach Your Child Self-Control”
“How to Teach Your Children to Play By Themselves”
“Teaching Your Toddler to Count to 100: Our Top 7 Ways”
“How to Stop the Whining and Crying”

Certainly there’s nothing wrong with wanting to raise a child who is humble and kind. However, this pattern seems to suggest we ought to have an agenda for who our kids will be. Rather than focusing on ways to support our children in being the best version of themselves, we’re led to believe we must intentionally shape every aspect of their personalities.

It also seems to encourage parents to change things about their children which they find uncomfortable or disagreeable. To be clear, screaming and whining can be annoying. I won’t begin to argue that point. But when an article focuses on how to stop a behavior simply because we find it obnoxious, I wonder if the intent is misplaced. Are we attempting to address a behavior because it will benefit our kids or because we think it will make our lives easier?

Some of these articles could be a recipe for failure. For example, self-control requires a certain amount of cognitive and emotional development. Teaching it before a child is capable of controlling impulses won’t be effective. Our time would be better spent acting as our child’s “upstairs brain” while their immature prefrontal cortex develops (for more on brain development, I recommend The Whole-Brain Child).

I also wonder if these “how-to’s” are always a good use of our time. What’s the purpose of teaching a toddler to count to 100? Does that guarantee he’ll be in Mensa? Is the point to give me something to brag about at playdates? Just because something is possible doesn’t mean it’s worth doing or that it’s the best way to spend my son’s precious childhood.

Lastly, research suggests there is great fallacy in attempting to suppress our children’s emotions. It’s important to assist our children in developing a healthy expression of emotions, but attempting to squash them all together has negative, long-term consequences.

The following are some questions to ask yourself as you search for wisdom in parenting blogs and articles:

Who is writing this article?

There are loads of great articles written by parents for parents, and I don’t mean to diminish the beauty of parents supporting one another. However, we should also recognize that other parents are speaking from experience with what worked for their specific children. Their suggestions are not necessarily based in empirical research or years of education. You may find helpful suggestions, but be sure to remember these are not authorities on the topics of development, education, or child psychology.

Does it address development?

Expectations vary widely depending on age and stage of development. What may be appropriate for an eight-year-old won’t necessarily apply to a five-year-old. When you’re reading an article about how to teach your child something, look for information in the article about development. If the writer doesn’t address this, don’t assume it’s appropriate for your child.

Does it represent my values?

Any article which encourages the use of media to teach my young child academics is incongruent with my value of play-based learning for small children. Sometimes as parents we can feel like we are failing our children when we read how our peers are parenting. Keeping our own personal values in mind will allow us to make intentional decisions in which we can feel confident.

What’s the motivation?

Here’s what I’ve learned in my short four years as a mother: most of parenting is dealing with my own stuff. There’s a big difference between an article which focuses on how we can support our children and one intended to stop a behavior we just don’t like. The former is child-centered, the latter is parent-centered. Rather than attempting to stop our kids from crying or “causing drama,” our time might be better spent addressing how we can manage our own reactions while asking, “is there an unmet need behind this behavior?”

We all have high hopes for our children, but it’s important to remember they are whole, complete beings separate from us. They reserve the right to become who they want to be, and facilitating their development without focusing on our own egos is admirable indeed.

If we want to raise intelligent, kind people with self-control, the best thing we can do is work on ourselves, not our kids. Allow them to learn through exploration, model kindness and self-control, and work on your own ability to remain calm and compassionate with your children. This paradigm shift can deepen your connection with your children, and it doesn’t even require flash cards.

Dealing with Big Feelings – Teaching Kids How to Self-Regulate

-Karen, Hey Sigmund

Life with a small human can be hilarious, wonderful, ridiculous and unpredictable. And wild – so wild. All kids are capable of ‘bewildering’ behaviours that can bring the strongest of us to our knees. These behaviours can take different forms. There are the ones that can be seen through the eye of a needle from a solar system away, no trouble at all – meltdowns, outbursts and tantrums, hitting, screaming. Then there are the ones that are a little harder to spot, but which light up our radar all the same – the worries that spin out of control, the sadness or withdrawal that lasts a little longer than it should, the tendency to bottle up feelings.

None of us were born knowing how to control big emotions and our children will take a while to learn. This is okay – time is something they have plenty of. In the meantime, the job for us as the adults in their lives who care about them, is to nurture their ability to manage their emotional responses in healthy, adaptive ways.

Of course, it would be a lovely thing if the small humans in our lives were born knowing how to stay calm, or with the capacity to respond to disappointments with the adorability of a sleepy kitten, but that’s just not how it was meant to be. Young children don’t have the words to describe what they want, or to explain how they feel. The sheer frustration of this can make them vulnerable to being barreled by the big feelings that can overwhelm any of us from time to time.

So when you say ‘self-regulation’ …

Self-regulation is being able to manage feelings so they don’t intrude heavily on relationships or day-to-day life. This might involve being able to resist ‘losing it’ in upsetting or frustrating situations, or being able to calm down when big feelings start to take over.

Self-regulation is NOT about ‘not feeling’. Locking feelings away can cause as much trouble as any outburst. There is nothing wrong with having big feelings. All feelings are valid and it’s okay for kids to feel whatever they feel. What’s important is how those feelings are managed. The key is to nurture children towards being able to acknowledge and express what they’re feeling, without causing breakage to themselves, their friendships or other people.

Why is self-regulation important?

When children are able to regulate their emotional responses, they become less vulnerable to the ongoing impact of stress. They are also more likely to have the emotional resources to maintain healthy friendships, and the capacity to focus and learn. Research has found that the ability to self-regulate is a strong predictor of academic success.

Outbursts? Or opportunities.

Every outburst is an opportunity to steer them in a different direction and to strengthen the skills they need to name and manage their emotions in a way that works for them, without the seismic fallout that can happen when kids are unable to regulate their emotions.

High emotion and tantrums are NOT a sign of bad parenting or bad kids. They are never that. Taking tantrums or wild behaviour personally can make it more difficult to use them as an opportunity to nurture valuable skills in your child. It can be easy to feel judged when our kiddos choose the top of the escalator on a busy Saturday morning to throw themselves on the ground because you peeled their banana all the way to the bottom and nothing – nothing – can ever be the same again, but you are raising humans, and it’s hard and it’s important and the path is a crooked one with plenty of uphills, downhills, and hairpin curves. Some people will never understand. Let that be their problem, not yours.

My child does body throw-downs like they invented the move. When is the lack of self-regulation a problem?

All kids are different, and they will develop according to their own schedules. As anyone who has small humans in their lives will know, there are some things they just won’t be hurried on – breakfast when you’re in a hurry, stories at bedtime, and of course, the potentially life-altering decision of what to have on their toast. And self-regulation – they won’t be hurried on that either. All good things take time, and when you’re trying to master an art, patience is required from your entire support crew.

By school age, most kids tend to have the foundations for self-regulation. This doesn’t mean they’ll get it right all the time – they won’t. What it means is that by about age five, most kids tend to be fairly able to regulate their emotions most of the time. By this age, they can generally wait a short while for something they want, take turns, focus on what’s being said to them, and they are less likely to bring out their wild side when things don’t go their way.

Not all kids will grow out of difficult emotional behaviour by school. Sometimes, difficulties with self-regulation are just a matter of emotional immaturity. Sometimes, it can be a sign that there might be an underlying issue. Some of the common ones are ADHD (difficulty focusing and frustration with not being able to complete certain tasks can lead to high emotion), anxiety (tantrums or aggressive can be driven by anxiety – it’s the fight part of the fight or flight response), or learning difficulties (again, driven by frustration).

Of course, just because your child might be struggling with self-regulation, that doesn’t necessarily mean there is an underlying issue. It’s just something to keep in mind if there is a constant struggle with self-regulation that doesn’t seem to show much improvement by school age. Remember though, all children will develop at a different pace, and all will struggle with self-regulation until they strengthen the skills. Regardless of age or stage of development though, opportunities to strengthen the capacity for self-regulation is something that all children and teens will benefit hugely from.

How does self-regulation develop?

Gradually. And with plenty of support from a very dedicated and wonderful crew – modeling, coaching, and responding in a way that makes it safe for kids to explore and experiment with their own responses.

The part of the brain that is heavily involved in regulating big emotions and considering consequences – the pre-frontal cortex – won’t be fully developed until sometime in the early 20s. Until then, the brain is wide open and hungry for experiences that will strengthen it in a way that will support them as healthy, strong adults.

We can see signs of emotional regulation in babies, such as when the soothe themselves by sucking their thumb. By about age two, most toddlers are able to wait a little while for something they want, or listen when they are being spoken to. As children grow and experiment more with self-regulation, they will be more able to widen the gap between a feeling and response.

My teen is moody and explosive. What’s going on?

By adolescence, you might notice that your teens are having more difficulty than ever with self-regulation. This is a very normal part of adolescence. During adolescence, the teen brain is powered up with about a billion new neurons. This is to give them the brain power they need for the developmental mountain climbing they’ll do during adolescence – new skills, new experiences, new relationships, new milestones. With so many new brain cells looking to strengthen and connect, things can get a bit hectic up there, which can drive behaviour that is far from adorable. They probably wish it could be different too. Remind yourself that they are being driven by a brain under construction and gently hold the boundaries. (And I know this isn’t always easy!) And then write this on your mirror where you’ll see it every day or whenever you retreat to the bathroom for a deep breath or a chardonnay: ‘It’s a stage. It will end.’ Like all stages, when they have done the important developmental work they need to do, they’ll come back stronger, wiser, more wonderful and more capable than before.

What can I do to help my child learn how to self-regulate?

Explain where their big emotions come from.

When high emotion drives difficult behaviour, it’s a sign that the distance between the stimulus – whatever has upset them – and their response is short and fairly automatic. When kids are in high emotion, they are being driven by the part of their brain that acts on impulse. The problem is that this all happens so quickly, the thinking part of the brain doesn’t have time to engage and steer them towards a healthier response. They key is helping them extend that distance so they are less likely to act on impulse, and more likely to let the thinking part of the brain (the pre-frontal cortex) get involved. Kids do great things with the right information. Talk to them in the language they will understand. Nobody knows your child better than you, so adjust the language to suit. Here is an idea of the way it could go:

‘Feelings are important and it’s always okay for them to be there, but when feelings get too big, they can make the thinking, calming part of your brain take a little break until the big feelings are gone. That’s not good for anyone. This is when you can end up making silly decisions or doing things that land you in trouble. Your brain is strong, healthy and magnificent, but it’s important to learn how to be the boss of it, even when you have big feelings. To do this, you need to strengthen the thinking part of your brain at the front of your head. It does a fabulous job when it’s on, but we need to make it stronger so it stays in charge even when the big feelings come. This will take a little practice but for sure you can do it. You’re pretty amazing like that.

So how can you be the boss of your brain when big feelings take over? One of the most powerful ways is to breathe strong, deep breaths. Remember how big feelings can get a little bossy and tell the thinking, calming part of the brain that it’s not needed? Well thankfully, strong deep breathing relaxes your brain enough, so the thinking part can do the magical things it does – calm down your big feelings and help you to make sensible decisions. There’s a teeny problem though – it’s too hard to do new things when you’re really upset, so the way around this is to practice when you’re calm. The more you practice strong deep breathing when you’re calm, the easier it will be to do when you’re feeling upset. And the more you remember to do it when you’re upset, the stronger your brain will be.

Here are some fun ways to practice. You can do them anywhere – in the car, in the bath, while you’re kissing the cute face in the mirror, while you’re pretending to be a rock star – anywhere, anytime …

Hot Cocoa Breathing

Pretend that you have your hands wrapped around a mug of hot cocoa. Breathe in through your nose for three seconds, as though you’re smelling the deeeelicious chocolatey smell. Then breathing out through your mouth for three seconds, as though you are blowing it cool. Keep doing this four or five times, until you start to feel yourself relax.

Figure 8 Breathing

Using your finger, imagine that you are writing the figure ‘8’. You can do it anywhere you like – on your arm, your leg, your tummy, a soft toy gorilla – anywhere. As you draw the top of the 8, breathe in for three. When you get to the middle, hold for one. Then, as you trace the bottom part, breathe out for three. Let it be a really smooth, relaxing movement, and repeat it a few times. Ahhhh … bliss.
And now to strengthen their brain … Mindfulness.

The research on benefits of mindfulness could fill a small city. Mindfulness works by changing the structure and the function of the brain. First, it strengthens the part of the brain that drives high emotion, so that reacts less automatically or impulsively. Second, it strengthens the pre-frontal cortex – the thinking part of the brain that is able to weigh in and calm big emotions and consider consequences. Finally, it strengthens the connections between the two, meaning that in times of high emotion, the pre-frontal cortex will be quicker and more able to work with the emotion centres of the brain to find calm.
Now, about expectations …

It’s critical not to expect more of children than they are capable of, given their stage of development. Young children just don’t have the capacity to be calm and reasonable all the time. Punishing them for a lack of self-regulation is like punishing them for not being able to fly. It won’t help anything and will run the risk that shame will get in the way of them feeling safe enough to explore a different way to respond. Ideally, it’s best for them to learn the best way to respond by figuring out for themselves the best way to be. Doing something because they know it’s the right thing to do, will be a more enduring and more powerful response than anything that is driven by a fear of the consequences.
But don’t let them outsource the job.

It can be so tempting to smooth the rough edges for them when they have an outburst, but this won’t be doing them any favours. In fact, it will rob them of the opportunity to learn a valuable skill – how to manage their emotions themselves. When we move in too quickly to soothe it or ‘fix it’, we’re not giving them the space and opportunity they need to learn how to self-soothe. This doesn’t mean we leave them to it. What it means is not rushing in too quickly or working too hard to calm them when they get upset and behave poorly.
Let them ‘borrow’ your prefrontal cortex.

When things get wild, try to dampen things down with some pre-frontal cortex sensibility and calm. (The pre-frontal cortex is the calming, thinking part of the brain.) For young children, the pre-frontal part of the brain is still developing, which is one of the reasons it can be sent so easily offline when they are in high emotion. What you can do, is loan them yours. The way to do this is to stay calm, be a strong, supportive presence, and wait for them to catch up. Continue to have boundaries, but before you talk about a better way to do things, lead them gently out of the chaos and into a space that’s calm and settle.
Shift the focus.

There’s so much for our kiddos to learn, and they will all have their strengths and the things they need a little more coaching on. If your little person needs a hand learning how to regulate their emotions, think of this as just another skill that needs nurturing, rather than ‘bad behaviour’. Shifting the focus from ‘a bad behaviour that needs changing’ to ‘a skill that needs strengthening’ is more empowering for you and your child. It takes the shame away and makes it easier for your child to hear the important learnings you need them to know. It will set the scene for you to work on this more as a ‘team’ and less ‘you vs them’.
Provide a ‘scaffold’ between the behaviour that is and the behaviour you want.

The idea of a scaffold is to provide a bridge between what they know and are capable of, and the skills they need to learn. Give your child just enough to move them forward. Let’s say there is a clashing of minds between your child and a friend over – who’s going to be the policeman and who is going to be the baddie. Your child is getting upset because he has to be the baddie ALL THE TIME because the other child, ‘steals the police costume ALL THE TIME because she thinks she is the boss of the police costume, and I never get to be the police so I always have to be the baddie and that’s not fair because she thinks that the police are allowed to use the yellow cup but the yellow cup is MINE!’ Sounds reasonable.

In this situation, scaffolding might involve coaching the children on the words to use, as opposed to resolving the situation for them. This might not always go in a smooth steady line, but when you’re four and there’s a police costume on the line, it’s not just about who gets to wear the good gear, it’s about power, voice, feeling heard, fairness and feeling validated. If coaching on the conversation doesn’t lead to an outcome that both people are okay with, scaffolding might involve making suggestions, such as taking turns, or playing something else. The idea is that next time a conflict arises, the child can be encouraged to remember the things they tried last time. ‘Do you remember when you had the argument about the policeman’s costume? What were some of the things you did to work through that?’.
Expose them gently to manageable amounts of stress.

Gently expose them to situations that call on their need for self-regulation. The brain builds by experience, and the more experiences they have, the stronger they will be.
Teach them to ‘step back’.

This is a valuable skill for all kids and teens. Stepping back puts distance between them and their behaviour, enough to let the see the bigger picture, or parts of the picture that might be out of their close-up view. When there has been an incident of high emotion, and they are on their way to finding calm, ask them to imagine stepping back and watching what happened as though it was a movie. ‘If someone was doing what you were doing, what would you think of them.’ ‘What do you think they are feeling/thinking/needing?’ ‘What would you want to say to them?’This is a great skill that will build empathy and strengthen that part of the brain that can look logically and rationally at a situation. Don’t worry if they don’t get it straight away, or if they need a little coaching. The more opportunities they have to ‘switch it on’, the more likely it is that they will be able to do this themselves eventually.
Provide the opportunity and support for self-reflection.

Self-reflection is a skill that many adults haven’t yet mastered, but it’s such an important one. When children can explore their behaviour and their feelings in a safe, non-judgemental environment, they are going to find their own answers and wisdom. There are no lessons or learnings that are more meaningful than the ones we find ourselves. To nurture their capacity for self-reflection, calmly and gently, in a non-judgemental, non-critical way, help them to explore their experience. Encourage them to get a sense of what happened when things got out of control. At what point did things start feeling bad? What happened? What happened in their body? How can next time be different?
Accept where they are, but that’s not the ending.

This involves two things that seem to be opposed – acceptance on the one hand, and pushing for change on the other. When they are used together, they can be more powerful than each on its own. To do this, acknowledge that your child is doing his or her their best, ‘I know that you’re doing the best you can right now, and I also know that you can do better.’ The acceptance that comes with this provides a safe, non-judgemental space to experiment with a new way to be. The idea is to teach them the skills they need, while at the same time holding them strong with a gentle, loving acceptance and a belief in what they are capable of. This focuses on the strengths and the opportunity, not the deficiency.

And finally …

Although some kids naturally have a more even temper, all kids will need a hand to build strong self-regulation skills. Nobody was born with these already established, and all kids will take time to build them up. Remember though, all kids are different. What they lack on one front, they’ll make up for in another. Being able to regulate their feelings and behaviour, self-soothe, and stop very valid feelings spinning out of control are big jobs for all kids, but important ones for them to learn.

Healing from Sexual Assault

-Sharie Stines, Psy. D

“Resilience, rather than pathology should become the standard expectation in the aftermath of trauma.” –Aaron Levin

Are you a victim, parent, or in a counseling capacity, wondering how to help yourself or your loved one cope with the trauma and horror of sexual assault? Whether the crime was child molestation, rape, sodomy or some other sordid type of sexual perversion inflicted upon you or your loved one, the aftereffects can be devastating. Victims of sexual assault struggle with their sense of safety in the world, sense of personhood, and value as a human being. After experiencing the crime of being objectified and humiliated by another human being for base purposes, the victim is never the same again.

This is not to say that healing is not possible, because, in fact, healing is very probable; however, once you have been the victim of a violent sexual crime you have been through a “life defining event” that changes you forever.

The road to healing is not “one size fits all,” for each person’s journey is different. One victim of sexual abuse may tell his family what happened and be told that they’re lying; while another person may be able to experience full cooperation from their family members as well as the community, and may even see their perpetrator brought to justice. This is to say, the events surrounding the assault have their effects as well as the crime itself does on the victim.

One thing I am most certain of is that you cannot heal from sexual assault unless you are willing to face the truth, talk about it, share your story with empathic others, grieve your loss of trust and sense of security in the world, and feel your pain until you have completed the process of grief.

In order to face the truth, defense mechanisms must be challenged. These have the faces of denial, minimization, forgiving too soon, dismissing, dissociating, addictions, intellectualizing, and a variety of other creative methods of numbing reality.

Resilience must be built. Resilience factors include: healthy connections with others, the ability to self-soothe difficult emotions, cognitive flexibility, principle-driven living, positive outlook on future (hope), an internal locus of control (that is, you see that you have some power over your own life), and the ability to experience positive emotions more often than negative ones. If you don’t have the qualities required for resilience already, the good news is that they can be learned and developed over time.

Resilience, in my opinion, is the number one necessary ingredient for overcoming any type of trauma, and this would include sexual assault. One aspect of resilience is to not only focus on the need for healing the wounds caused by the trauma, but also to focus on the “Post Traumatic Growth” resulting from the life altering experience. Post Traumatic Growth emphasizes that strengths can emerge through suffering and the resulting struggle to overcome.

Yes, PTSD is a result of trauma and must be addressed; but, PTG has been found to exist as well. Many survivors and thrivers of trauma actually realize that they have learned some valuable wisdom. Survivors have found their inner strength and resolve, tenacity and hope. Without embracing denial, reality can be faced, challenged, grieved, and accepted. The survivor of sexual abuse rises up and discovers that he or she is whole. She or he triumphs in self-empowerment, able to face the rest of his or her life boldly.

Can Leopards Change Their Spots?

-Linda Sapadin, PhD

At the end of a frustrating therapy session, Emma turned to her husband and said, “you’ll never change.” Feeling defeated, she then turned to me and said, “My mother always said, ‘a leopard doesn’t change its spots.’ Now I see what she means. Do you think that people ever really change the way they are? ”

“Of course I do!” I responded. “That’s why I’m a psychologist. That’s why I love my work. People can and do change — when they’re open to it.”

Now it is true, that a total personality change is not in the cards for most people — nor should it be. We are who we are. But changing aspects of one’s behavior (how we think, what we do, how we speak) is definitely possible and happens all the time as people adjust to new circumstances.

However, when you’re trying to change someone else’s behavior — or even your own — here’s why you must temper your expectations about change.

It’s practically impossible to get someone else to change when he doesn’t want to. Think about it. It’s tough enough for you to change when you know what’s good for you, (i.e. exercise, eat right, temper your anger). So how can you expect an unmotivated person to change just because you want him to?
Some people, more than others, find it easier to change. The more rigid a person’s personality, the more sure they are “right”, the more anxious they are about change, the harder it will be for them to modify their behavior.
Meaningful change is a process that takes time. One does not listen to a guru, read a self-help book, or get hyped up by an Oprah show, and presto, a new person! These experiences, however, can, and frequently do, jump-start change. Still, such change may not survive the test of time. For better or for worse, we still carry our psychological baggage with us wherever we go.

Now, with tempered expectations, let’s take a look at how meaningful change might occur between Emma and her husband, Doug, without Emma having to struggle so hard to make her husband change.

Emma desperately wanted Doug to take her seriously, particularly when they were discussing finances. But once they started talking, it didn’t take long before Emma felt shut out. Everything needed to be Doug’s way. He dismissed her ideas, viewing them as stupid or wrong. She had no idea how to change him, despite telling him over and over again that she wanted to be heard. And treated with respect.

As Emma became more aware of her husband’s put-downs, she stopped complaining about what he was doing. Instead, she learned how to respond with increased strength and self-assuredness. When she felt that he was baiting her, she didn’t allow herself to get hooked, nor feel intimidated. She simply agreed to disagree.

As time went on, not only did Emma become more knowledgeable about finances but she also became more self-assured in what she said and how she said it. With her new approach, Doug became less insistent that his way was the only way, the “right” way. He was changing too. Not because Emma demanded it, but because her change created a different situation for him that he, in turn, needed to respond to.

There are limits to what you can change about another person, particularly when you keep behaving the same way. So, think about what you can do that will create a different scenario for the other person. Not because you are the one to blame. Or you are the one that’s wrong. But because you are the one that desires the change.

As you create a different dynamic between the two of you, be aware of how things are changing. Not dramatic change. Not magical change. But small change that’s moving in the right direction. Day by day; week by week; month by month. Until one day you suddenly notice, things really are different between the two of you. Then it’s time to rejoice!

Top 5 Most Common Myths about Taking Antidepressants

Don’t be ashamed to get the help you need — however you need it.

As a person who has depression, is on medications, and is in therapy (I swear, I’m sane!), I’ve had many people comment on my use of antidepressants, or spout myths around me about medications for depression that simply aren’t true.

To put it simply: I’m tired of hearing it and feeling awkward having to correct them or inform them concerning their mistakes. (But hey, you live and you learn, I guess?)

10 Agonizing Truths Depressed People Never Talk About

Anyway, from both experience and research, I just wanted to debunk a few of the most common myths that I regularly hear about antidepressants and depression:

1. Antidepressants Make You Happy

Nope. As amazing as it would be to have a happiness pill, that is not a thing. Otherwise it would be in MUCH higher demand, right?

But no, that is not a reality. When a person has clinical depression, they have an overall low feeling that causes constant distress. All an antidepressant does is lessen those constant negative thoughts and feelings so a person can actually make it through a day feeling relatively normal (whatever that means).

2. They’re the Easy Way Out

First off, there isn’t really an “out” of clinical depression. If you have it, you have it, though over time it is possible to be weaned off of certain medications (discuss this with your doctor, if interested). But as stated above, antidepressants aren’t happy-pills. A person with depression will still deal with his or her depression, but on a much smaller scale, if prescribed properly.

3. All You REALLY Need Is Therapy

The first thing you should know is that not even therapists think this, so if you really believe you’re more aware than professionals and people actually suffering from depression, sorry, but you’re wrong.

While I personally think everyone can benefit from therapy, any therapist/psychologist/etc. will tell you that there are some people who can benefit only so much from therapy, and thus need the assistance of antidepressants. Depressed patients have this sort of impenetrable wall around them that will make it difficult or impossible for any therapy alone to truly help.

What It’s Like Inside The Psychological Purgatory of Depression

4. Antidepressants Give You Horrible Side Effects That Make You MORE Depressed

This is only the case for people who:

a) Don’t have clinical depression, but were very sad and were wrongly prescribed medication.

b) Need a different medication

Lots of people are prescribed antidepressants who shouldn’t be. Before taking antidepressants, a person should be aware if there is a cause for the mood change (such as the death of a loved one) or whether its an overall constant feeling. If an antidepressant doesn’t have any depression to treat, other reactions to it can occur.

This should not deter you from looking into the potential side-effects of your medication, and if bothersome or dangerous side-effects occur, you should speak with your primary care doctor to find another solution immediately.

5. They Numb You

Antidepressant treatments are pretty unique, and there’s definitely no one-size-fits-all medication. Sometimes the first medication taken isn’t the right one, either because of side effects, the medication is simply not working, or actually triggering other feelings that are abnormal.

If any of these things are a concern, a doctor is an appointment away, and your physician will happily help you find something better.

I was lucky enough, when first prescribed, to have the medication work great! My depression numbed me to every feeling but sadness and anger, so once my antidepressant worked into my system, my range of feelings actually expanded to a “normal” variety.

I still remember sitting in my room at the end of a day and thinking: woah…people can feel like THIS? I’m allowed to feel this okay?? It was a freeing feeling and I have no regrets.

It’s certainly not for everyone, and I don’t think that antidepressants are even the perfect solution. But if prescribed correctly, they can help so much. Basically, don’t knock it ‘til you try it (safely), and even then, don’t knock it until you’ve tried another. Make sense?

5 Crucial Reasons You Should Talk More

Have you ever been sitting on a subway or plane and felt annoyed because the person next to you keeps trying to chat and chat and chat?

One thing we know about human nature is that there are introverts and extroverts in this world, and everyone falls somewhere on that continuum. Some people seem to be programmed to talk and engage, while others are genetically programmed the opposite way.

But what makes some people less talkative than others? Is it as simple as genetics? I don’t think so.

Wives complain about their husbands’ one-word responses; my clients often tell me that they feel a deep loneliness, even when they are surrounded by people. I’ve heard many stories about lovely folks standing alone at parties, feeling awkward, and waiting until enough time passed so that they could go home.

Are all of these people introverts? Maybe, but many of them had another good reason to be in their predicaments. Unbeknownst to them, they had built a wall between themselves and everyone else. A wall that acted as a hurdle for the words that they could and should speak. A wall that took their voice, and bounced it right back at them. A wall that whispered,

That’s not important enough to say

Talking is annoying

Talking is useless

You have nothing to offer in this conversation

Sadly, all of these people are being deprived of one of nature’s most valuable tools: communication, and all of the wonderful benefits that come with it.

5 Reasons You Should Talk More

Boost your mood: Imagine running errands, feeling hurried. Anxiously waiting in line at the pharmacy, the woman standing behind you says, “Excuse me can I ask you a question? Where did you get those shoes? My husband’s been looking for some just like that and can’t find them anywhere.” You have a brief discussion in which you make a tiny joke and she laughs. Studies show that these types of small, meaningless encounters boost your mood. A connecting moment with another human being releases a neurotransmitter in your brain called oxytocin. This chemical has been shown by research to have an anti-anxiety effect. It gives you a feeling of well-being, and may increase human empathy. It’s not just you; the woman you just spoke with will have a similar boost in mood.
Think things through: Talking with a stranger at the pharmacy is one thing. Talking with a trusted person you are close with is quite another. There is great value in saying aloud something that you are working on in your mind. Worried about your daughter? Wondering if you should change jobs? Thinking you should buy a new car? Simply putting what’s in your head out there to another person forces you to own it. The response of the other person gives you input. This back-and-forth process helps you draw new conclusions and may even give you new ideas. It’s all good.
Become more interesting: Talking less may feel safer. You’re unlikely to offend another person by saying nothing. However, the risk of being a quiet person is appearing uninteresting to others. Putting something out there (almost anything) gives others something to grab onto and something to remember you by. Unless you’re gabbing on and on about minutia, talking makes you relatable and interesting.
Rewire your brain: If you’re a non-talker, you are probably being stopped by a combination of introversion, (which is fine and great; we’re not trying to change that here); and your wall. The wall was likely erected in your childhood as a result of subtle or overt messages from your family that your voice was not particularly welcome or interesting. Overriding those messages now as an adult, as often as you can, automatically starts to break through that wall. You can rewire your brain over time, and talking and interacting will become easier and easier for you.
Have deeper, more valuable relationships: Every word you say empowers you. Every word allows other people in your life to know you better. Every word you say encourages another person to say something back, which allows you to know them better. The better you know each other, the deeper your relationship goes. Deeper relationships are more meaningful, more resilient and more valuable than shallow ones.

If you are an introvert, the idea of talking more may feel energy-draining. If that’s the case, it’s important to listen to your body’s needs and take care of yourself. However, research shows that talking and engaging with other people actually makes introverts happier. So there is a balance, and it’s important not to give in to silence.

Reduce your anxiety, become more interesting, break through your wall, and improve your relationships. All can come from one little habit that you can cultivate in yourself.

SO TALK

What’s Your Fatal Flaw?

-Jonice Webb, PhD

Thousands of fine people walk through their lives harboring a terrible secret.

A secret that is buried deep inside them, surrounded and protected by a cocoon of shame. A secret that harms no one, but does great damage to themselves. A secret with immense power and endurance.

It’s their Fatal Flaw.

A Fatal Flaw is a deep-seated, entrenched feeling / belief that you are somehow different from other people; that something is wrong with you.

Your Fatal Flaw sits beneath the surface of your conscious mind. Outside of your awareness, it drives you to do things you don’t want to do. It also stops you from doing things you should do.

Rooted in your childhood, it’s like a weed. Over time it grows. Bit by bit, drop by drop, it quietly, invisibly erodes away your happiness and well-being. All the while you are unaware.

The power of your Fatal Flaw comes partially from it being unknown to you. You have likely never purposely put yours into words in your own mind. But if you listen, from time to time you may hear yourself expressing your Fatal Flaw out loud to someone.

I’m not as fun as other people.

I don’t have anything interesting to say.

When people get to know me they don’t like me.

I know that I’m not attractive.

No one wants to hear what I have to say.

I’m pathetic.

Your Fatal Flaw could be anything. And your Fatal Flaw is unique to you.

Where did your Fatal Flaw come from, and why do you have it? Its seed was planted by some messages your family conveyed to you, most likely in invisible and unspoken ways.

The Flaw The Roots

*I’m not as fun as other people.*	Your parents seldom seemed to want to be with you very much.
I don’t have anything interesting to say.	Your parents didn’t really listen when you talked.
*When people get to know me they don’t like me.*	You were rejected as a child by someone who was supposed to love you.
*I know that I’m not attractive.*	You were not treated as attractive as a child by the people who matter – your family.
*No one wants to hear what I have to say.*	You were seldom asked questions or encouraged to express yourself in your childhood home.
*I’m pathetic.*	You were somehow shamed as a child for simply being who you are.

The Good News

Yes, there is some. Your Fatal Flaw is a belief, not a truth. A truth cannot be changed, but a belief most certainly can.

How to Get Rid of Your Fatal Flaw

Recognize that you have it, and that it’s not a real flaw. It’s just a belief / feeling.
Find the words to express your own unique version of “something is wrong with me.”
Identify its specific cause in your childhood. What happened, or didn’t happen, in your childhood to plant the seeds of your fatal flaw?
Share your Fatal Flaw with another person; your spouse, a trusted friend, a family member, or a therapist. Describe your belief, and talk about it.
Watch for evidence that contradicts your Fatal Flaw. I assure you it has been there all along. But you have been blinded to it by your Fatal Flaw.
Track your Fatal Flaw. Pay attention, and take note of when it “speaks” to you.
Start talking back to your Fatal Flaw.

I am fun to be with. I am interesting. People like me more as they get to know me. I am attractive, and I have important things to say. I’m not pathetic at all, I’m just me.

You’re Fatal Flaw is actually neither fatal nor a flaw. It’s not even real.

It’s only powered by your supercharged belief that it is both.

Using Digital Devices Around Bedtime Can Disrupt Kids’ Sleep

-Rick Nauert, PhD

A new study discovers use of devices such as smartphones and tablets at bedtime more than doubles the risk of poor sleep in children.

Previous research suggests that 72 percent of children and 89 percent of adolescents have at least one device in their bedrooms and most are used near bedtime.

The speed at which these devices have developed — and their growing popularity among families — has outpaced research in this area, meaning that the impact on sleep is not well understood.

Researchers from Kings College, London reviewed 20 existing studies from four continents, involving more than 125,000 children aged six to 19 (with an average age of 15).

Their findings appear in JAMA Pediatrics.

Investigators discovered bedtime use of media devices was associated with an increased likelihood of inadequate sleep quantity, poor sleep quality, and excessive daytime sleepiness.

Bedtime use was classified as engagement with a device within 90 minutes of going to sleep.
They also found that the presence of a media device in the bedroom, even without use, was associated with an increased likelihood of poor sleep.

One potential reason for this is that the “always on” nature of social media and instant messaging means children are continuously engaged with devices in their environment, even when they are not actively using them.

It is thought that screen-based media devices adversely affect sleep through a variety of ways, including delaying or interrupting sleep time; psychologically stimulating the brain; and affecting sleep cycles, physiology, and alertness.

Sleep disturbance in childhood is known to have adverse effects on health, including poor diet, obesity, sedative behavior, reduced immune function, and stunted growth, as well as links with mental health issues.

Dr. Ben Carter from King’s College London, said, “Our study provides further proof of the detrimental effect of media devices on both sleep duration and quality.

“Sleep is an often undervalued but important part of children’s development, with a regular lack of sleep causing a variety of health problems. With the ever-growing popularity of portable media devices and their use in schools as a replacement for textbooks, the problem of poor sleep amongst children is likely to get worse.

“Our findings suggest that an integrated approach involving parents, teachers, and healthcare professionals is necessary to reduce access to these devices and encourage good sleeping habits near bedtime.”