Amplify Wellness with Meg Duke

When Is It Okay To Cut Off A Relative?

-Cherilynn Veland, LSCW, MSW

When Is It Okay To Cut Off A Relative?

After the holidays, we therapists are besieged with family drama stories. Family members fight, bad things happen, after too much champagne — talk about conflict and drama. Some of this is normal. However, when family members are repeatedly mean, nasty, and/or hurtful; it is time to have a serious think about whether it is appropriate or healthy to have contact with these family members.

What?! Cut people off? What kind of a counselor suggests that?

Well, normally I don’t. I think that even extreme family dysfunction can usually be worked around with healthy boundaries, support, and a reframed attitude. However, there are exceptions. Obvious exceptions include: abuse, extreme addictive behaviors, sexual inappropriateness, and physical abuse. Other exceptions include toxic, mean and abusive language or behaviors towards others. These can be unworkable and harmful.

I have a friend, Tanya, whose uncle used to scapegoat her at family events. Uncle Meanie would yell at her, make angry accusations, and cause fights. He would talk politics and, one time, Uncle Meanie cut her out of family get-togethers for years because she voted for the “wrong” presidential candidate. Another time, he invited her for Thanksgiving but then charged $21 a person for admittance. I kid you not.

This past Thanksgiving, he yelled at her, “Shut up and maybe you could learn a thing or two!” She felt humiliated. When she asked him if he would ever talk like that to her husband, he calmly stated that he wouldn’t have. It was neat that she thought to ask that, and, that he told the truth in response. (Interestingly, heterosexual women are much more likely to be attacked by narcissistic men, BTW).

So what did Tanya do?

She reevaluated the importance and health of having him in her life.
She realized that her holidays and her mental health would be better not setting herself up for abuse.
She recognized that she had choices in this situation.
She decided that forgiveness would be right for her, but that continuing to tolerate abuse wasn’t OK.

Tanya decided to cut him off. No more family dinners with Uncle Meanie. No more Thanksgivings or Christmas meals. No more events together, sitting at his table with his wife and kids. Tanya realized that she might miss out, but she figured that she could find friends to be with, or other family members who valued her, cared for her, and treated her with kindness and respect. Now, doesn’t that sound more appealing than being yelled at and humiliated?

Cutting someone off isn’t ideal, but some people refuse to make changes, no matter the cost. While a big loss, it is enough for Tanya to know that she doesn’t have to carry the burden and the hurt of his angry impulses anymore. No more punching bag for Uncle Meanie … (it’s still hard). Tanya’s mom is upset and wants Tanya to continue tolerating this abuse. Not fair.

Cutting off a parent would be a much more complicated decision. However, some parents are so toxic and cruel that this can be a life-saving decision. If you are thinking of doing this with your parent, consider counseling with a professional for clarity beforehand. This book by Dr. Susan Forward could be a useful resource: Toxic Parents: Overcoming the Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life.

I have a very good friend who had to do this with her parents and her whole family. She still has hard days, but she doesn’t regret it at all. She has a supportive network of friends and is a member of a 12-step group that helps her manage. Garnering support is always smart.

Physical Health and Mental Health, Part 2: Exercising Regularly

-Staci Lee Schnell, MS, CS, LMFT

This is Part 2 in a series. Read Part 1 here: “Physical Health and Mental Health, Part 1: Eating Healthfully“.

The relationship between Physical Health and Mental Health plays a significant role in our lives. It has been found that staying physically fit actually helps our mental health as well. When our physical health is poor it puts a great strain on our mental health.

Eating healthfully, exercising regularly and getting a good night’s sleep are all important elements in a mentally and physically healthy life. Lifestyle interventions with a combination of psychotherapy and medications are all important in one’s treatment plan.

The Importance of Exercising Regularly to Benefit Mental Health

One can reap all the physical and mental health benefits of exercise with just 30-minutes of moderate exercise five times a week. Two 15-minute or even three 10-minute exercise sessions can also work just as well.

It is well known that regular exercise is good for the body. But exercise is also one of the most effective ways to improve our mental health as well. Regular exercise can have a profoundly positive impact on Depression, Anxiety, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, and more. Exercising regularly can also relieve and reduce stress, enhance coping skills, improve memory, help sleep, and boost one’s mood overall.

Exercise stimulates the growth of new brain cells which has been shown to help in age-related memory decline. It changes the brain in ways that protects memory and thinking skills.

Regular physical activity can also foster a sense of self-worth and a higher self- esteem, helping us to feel stronger both physically and mentally.

Aerobic exercises such as running, swimming, biking, dancing are all mood boosting.

Exercise cannot cure Depression, Anxiety, or Attention Deficit Disorder but can help improve the symptoms.

Depression

When one exercises, there is a release of endorphins. Endorphins are powerful chemicals in our brain that energize our spirits and make us feel better. They may also serve to improve our overall mood as well as reduce the perception of pain.

Exercise can also serve as a distraction from worries and depressing thoughts. Which allows one to find some time to break out of the cycle of negative thoughts that feed depression.

Exercise is not a substitute for medication or psychotherapy.

Anxiety

Exercise, proper diet, good sleep, and sunshine are all natural anxiety reducers. Physical activity relieves tension and stress and boosts physical and mental energy. Exercise enhances our well-being through the release of endorphins, just as in Depression.

Physical Activity helps relax our muscles and relieves tension in our bodies. Regular exercise can reduce the impact of stress, as well.

Yoga combines physical movement with meditation and deep breathing to help calm the mind and alleviate worry and is a great activity for those with Anxiety.

Exercise is not a cure for Anxiety but an enhancer to psychotherapy and medication treatments.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

Exercising regularly is one of the easiest and most effective ways to reduce the symptoms of ADHD. Exercise has been shown to improve concentration, motivation, memory, and mood. Physical activity immediately boosts the brain’s dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin levels, all of which affect focus and attention. The same endorphins that make you feel better also help you concentrate and feel mentally sharp for tasks at hand.

Executive functioning skills, psychotherapy, support groups, and medication prescribed by a doctor, as well as regular exercise can all be included in the treatment of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

Working with a Therapist specifically trained in Anxiety, Depression, and/or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is essential in the treatment of these Mental Health Disorders. Exercise alone should not be considered a substitute for medication or psychotherapy.

Physical Health and Mental Health, Part 1: Eating Healthfully

-Staci Lee Schnell, MS, CS, LMFT

Mental health and physical health are closely related. Keeping physically fit actually helps our mental health too; because it is very hard to stay psychologically healthy when our physical health is poor. If we are physical functioning poorly it takes an emotional toll on us as well.

Caring for your body and mind may mean you’ll not only live longer, but better. Eating healthfully, exercising regularly and getting a good night’s sleep are all important aspects to both the health of our mind and body. Just as there are many effective treatments for physical illnesses, besides therapies and medications, lifestyle interventions can be beneficial to our mental health too.

The Importance of Eating Healthfully to Benefit Mental Health

You’ve probably heard the saying, “you are what you eat.” But what exactly does that mean? Put simply, food is fuel, and the kind of fuel you consume determines the types of nutrients in your system, therefore impacting how your mind and body function. In other words, if you eat poorly you’ll tend to feel poor.

Food can play a contributing role in the treatments of Depression, Anxiety, and Attention Deficit Disorder. Eating a healthy diet can actually play a part in one’s treatment plan. However, a healthy diet alone should not be considered a substitute for medication or psychotherapy.

Depression

A combination of Psychotherapy, Anti-Depressants, and a healthy diet consisting of Folic Acid, Vitamin D, and Omega-3s should all be included in one’s treatment for Depression.

Increasing one’s intake of folate has been associated with helping to reduce depressive symptoms. Leafy green vegetables like spinach and kale, fruits, nuts, beans and whole grains have high amounts of folate, or folic acid.

Depression rates are higher among those with a Vitamin D deficiency. Fatty fish like salmon and tuna have the most naturally occurring Vitamin D. Other foods like milk, orange juice and breakfast cereals have Vitamin D added. Eating foods high in Vitamin D therefore, may help reduce depression.

Some studies suggest that Omega-3s may be helpful in the treatment of depression as they seem to have a mood-stabilizing effect. Omega-3 essential fatty acids may also help boost the effectiveness of conventional antidepressants. Oily fish (salmon, trout, mackerel, anchovies and sardines) are the most highly recommended sources of omega-3. Omega-3s can also be found in walnuts, flax (or flaxseed oil), olive oil, fresh basil and dark green leafy vegetables.

Anxiety

Studies have shown that when people take Probiotics (supplements containing the good bacteria), their anxiety levels, perception of stress, and mental outlook may improve.

Some Teas are known to help reduce Anxiety. Chamomile Tea has a natural calming and soothing effect and Rooibos and African Red Bush teas seem to have a balancing effect on stress hormones.

Tryptophan has been linked to helping one to feel calm. Turkey, Soy, Eggs, and Cheese are all high in tryptophan.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, other psychotherapies, anti-anxiety medications, and a healthy balanced diet should all be included in one’s treatment plan for Anxiety Disorders.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

Protein may help improve concentration and possibly make ADHD medications work for a longer period of time. Beans, cheese, eggs, meat, and nuts can be good sources of protein.

Complex carbohydrates may help with the sleep issues some experience with ADHD. Eating vegetables and some fruits, including oranges, tangerines, pears, grapefruit, apples, and kiwi may help one’s sleep if eaten in the evening.

Eating more omega-3 fatty acids has been linked with increased concentration as well.

Executive functioning skills, psychotherapy, support groups, and medication prescribed by a doctor, as well as eating healthfully can all be included in the treatment of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

Psychotherapy with a Therapist specifically trained in Anxiety, Depression, and/or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is essential in the treatment of these Mental Health Disorders. A healthy diet alone should not be considered a substitute for medication or psychotherapy.

The Unloved Daughter and The Problem of Letting Go

-Peg Streep

Negative childhood experiences shape us in many ways, some more subtle than others. While lack of self-esteem and the nagging feeling of self-doubt are often highlighted as among the major difficulties the unloved daughter faces in adulthood, the difficulty she has letting go and leaving toxic or stressful situations is usually given short shrift. Fearful and anxious about making mistakes, the insecurely attached daughter is apt to stay in relationships long past their expiration date. She is more likely to keep plugging away in situations which cannot be resolved. She is often unable to break out of patterns which she knows on a conscious level are holding her back but she’s paralyzed anyway.

Unloved daughters have trouble letting go. There’s the problem in a nutshell.

For all that the culture admires perseverance—which human beings are hardwired to be anyway—we often lose sight of the fact that knowing when and how to head for the exit is an extremely valuable life skill. It’s one that usually eludes the unloved daughter who’s prone to second-guess her every move, worry about every misstep or possible error in judgment, and has her default setting set to “doormat.”

But what’s learned in childhood can, thankfully, be unlearned in adulthood with some effort. If you’re stuck, staring at the door but unable to get yourself to go through it, here are five things you can do to change you and your life.

1. Give up on wishful thinking

It’s time to toss all that positive thinking, your copy of The Secret, and the rose-colored glasses you have on your night table. Inculcate some realism into your assessment of where you find yourself. Don’t talk yourself into thinking that you’re turning some kind of corner when your partner (or boss) is simply being less nasty or abusive than usual. Ask yourself whether the person you’re dealing with wants things to change or whether he or she is content with the status quo. If the answer is the latter, you need to plan an exit strategy.

2. Stop thinking about your investment

If you find yourself thinking that you’ve put five years into the relationship and that you’ll lose that five years if you’ll leave, you’ve fallen into the trap of The Sunk Cost Fallacy. Everyone engages in this kind of thinking at some point—it’s part of the human aversion to loss—but the insecurely attached person is more likely to stay mired in it if she indulges in it. Don’t! Focus on where you might find yourself if you do leave instead because nothing is bringing the time you invested back anyway.

3.Work on managing your emotions

If just thinking about leaving is filling you with angst or you’re flooding with second-guessing yourself, actively work to manage those feelings. Visualize a place that calms you or bring to mind the experience of being with a loving and accepting person. Take a walk, do some exercise, take deep breaths. Do not let your emotions get the better of you; you can manage them if you try. Use your journal to explore why you feel the way you do.

4. Set goals for yourself

Studies show that writing goals down forces us to be articulate about our wants and needs and actually helps us implement the goals we set. There’s also research that shows that if we set more abstract goals for ourselves, we’re more likely to see expanded opportunities for achieving them.

Say you are thinking about ending a relationship. Instead of setting a goal of finding a new lover, boyfriend, or friend, think about it abstractly. Here are some examples: “Have more rewarding and supportive companions,” “Expand my circle by trying new things,” “Get involved with community to experience greater connection,” “Spend more time with old friends and work on my ability to be intimate and supportive.” Abstract goals allow us to see different opportunities for connection that specific goals—such as finding a new boyfriend—do not.

5.Harness your motivation

Scrap those affirmations because studies show they don’t work. Instead, motivate yourself by asking yourself a question: “Will I….?” which is far more effective. Work at achieving your goals by anticipating possible glitches, using “if/then” thinking and developing a Plan B so that you’re not taken down by a possible setback. Securely attached people tend to do this without thinking; insecurely attached people simply have to work a bit harder and make it conscious behavior.

Where we started doesn’t have to dictate where we end up. Being more adept at letting go of what needs to be left behind is something everyone can learn.

7 Ways To Support Your Partner After A MAJOR Loss

-Tom Burns

It can be hard to know what to say…

It can be heartbreaking watching someone you love suffer through a tragic loss.

The loss can take many forms — a death in the family, the passing of a beloved pet, a career setback, a miscarriage — but the aftermath is fairly universal. Your loved one grieves. Sometimes they grieve HARD.

And, as their partner, it’s not always intuitive to know what you should be doing in that situation, particularly if the person you love seems to be spiraling down deeper into their despair.

You can offer condolences, but what’s your role supposed to be in the grieving process?

Are you supposed to be their cheerleader? Are you supposed to be their drill sergeant?

Should you actually be trying to do ANYTHING during their grieving or do you need to just sit back and let it happen?

But sitting back isn’t always an option, especially if your loved one is having problems with coping with the grief on their own. And, OF COURSE, you want to be doing something constructive. This is someone you love. You want to help.

If your partner is struggling to cope with a major loss, here are 7 ways you can support them as they cycle through the stages of grief (and remind them that they’re loved in the process).

1. Commiserate

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This can be a surprisingly difficult thing to do. When your partner starts talking about all of the negative emotions they’re feeling, your instinct will be to jump in and say “Hey, everything is actually GREAT!” But that doesn’t solve anything and it can make your partner feel like you’re not validating what they’re going through.

But there’s a simple solution. Two easy words that make everything better — “That sucks.”

When your partner is grieving, sometimes, they just need you to acknowledge their pain and loss. So you just nod and say “That sucks,” and, at the least, they’ll know that you’re hearing them.

2. Recognize that you can’t fix everything.

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This goes hand-in-hand with #1. Commiserating is important, but it’s also important that you don’t try to project plan your partner to death.

If they’re overcome by pain, it’s not always constructive to say “We can fix this. We can make this better. This is what we can do.”

They just have to live through the bad parts — there’s not normally an easy solution to grief.

While your intentions are admirable, just remember that not everything can be fixed. Occasionally, you just have to endure the bad stuff until the hurt goes away.

3. Hold their hand.

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It’s a simple act, but it can mean so much. Just sit with your partner. Touch them. Hold them. Put their hand in yours.

Let them know that you’re there for them without ever saying a word. Because sometimes they don’t need to hear words.

They just need to feel the warm body of someone who loves them sitting by their side.

4. Run interference for them.

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Does your girlfriend’s mom stress her out? When her mom calls, tell her that her daughter is already asleep and you chat with her on the phone for an hour.

Does your husband freak out when the front yard is covered with leaves? Rake the leaves before he gets home.

Basically, if your partner is struggling with loss, make it your job to reduce the stress in their lives anyway you can.

You know the things that stress them out. Throw yourself in front of those stress bullets and take a few for the person you love.

5. Ask if they want to talk about it.

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And, if they say “No,” listen to them.

Check in from time-to-time to see if they feel like talking, but, if they don’t, you should NOT press the issue.

Offer yourself as a sounding board if they need it and, if they don’t need or want it, don’t get offended. It’s about them, not you.

6. Pick up the slack.

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Your partner needs space to grieve and, when they’re suffering, every minor little everyday detail can feel like an intrusion, like something massively unimportant that’s trying to draw focus away from the pain (and, which, in turn, just makes the pain more painful).

If possible, do whatever you can to reduce the number of things they have to worry about in a day.

Do the laundry, make dinners more often than you normally would, troubleshoot minor household inconveniences without them.

Don’t make a show of it. You’re not looking for a pat on the back for being the best boyfriend/girlfriend ever. You’re trying to make them hurt less. So keep your extra effort on the downlow and give your partner more bandwidth to deal with their pain.

7. Love them.

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Duh, right? But it means a lot. It means everything.

Just find quiet moments to reaffirm to your partner that you really, truly love them.

It can make a huge difference.

Show them that you love them (and tell them too) and maybe they’ll remember that the world isn’t all pain and misery, which is pretty much the best thing you can do for them in that situation.

Stop Overeating by Learning How to Manage Your Energy

-Ann Kearney Cook

You can do it!

Join me in my office as I consult with Sharon (name changed for privacy), a 32-year old unmarried woman with a history of depression and binge eating. When we first met, Sharon reported that while she’d had solid control of her eating habits for five years, over the last several months she experienced a major relapse.

She said:

“I don’t know what has happened to me. When I am eating I feel completely out of control. It’s like I have to continue binge-eating more and more until I experience physical pain. Only then am I able to stop eating.”

When I asked her if there had been any major changes in her life over the last year, she shared that she’d received a promotion at work, which was great, but that, “In this new position I have to act overly happy and positive all the time. It’s not my nature to be ‘Suzy Sunshine,’ so I’m exhausted by the end of each day.”

She also shared that she skipped meals at work and binged in the evening. Then she withdrew from others over the weekend because she was absolutely exhausted.

After empathizing with how out of control she felt and how scary that must be, I shared that managing your energy throughout the day increases willpower — and is essential for overcoming overeating.

Willpower, like a muscle, can be fatigued over the course of the day.

Your capacity to make good decisions decreases when your willpower is depleted. Willpower is limited and whittled away by exhaustion and the everyday demands of life.

Examples of activities that can deplete willpower include:

Demanding work projects
Excessive chores
Trying to act happy when you really are depressed
Resisting food present in your environment when you’re not actually hungry
Unpleasant tasks
Unhealthy relationships

Once willpower is depleted, you are at greater risk for self-destructive behaviors such as binge eating, over drinking, and losing your temper.

Sharon and I then worked together to create five strategies for managing her energy throughout the day.

She decided that every two hours at work she would read something brief and empowering. Then she would stretch, and watch a funny video on YouTube, or perhaps she would meditate or pray.
She agreed to drink lots of water during the day to stay hydrated and energetic.
She selected and paid for a meal service that would bring her three healthy meals a day. She committed to stop skipping meals.
She made plans to get together with friends one night each weekend to do something fun.
She returned to attending church on a regular basis.
She made a concerted effort to get out in nature more.

These strategies replenished her energy throughout the day so her willpower was not depleted in the evening.

Acting in this manner helped her maintain energy all day. With a new capacity to manage her energy, Sharon had more willpower to make healthy choices about food and other areas of her life.

These 9 Mental Habits Suck the Happiness from Your Life

-Andrea Bonoir

It’s never too late to change.

Over the course of our lives, we run across all types of people, and the fact that we’re prone to classifying them as “types” shows just how much we tend to believe that people behave in certain ways by nature.

How To Be Happy With Yourself As You Improve Your Life

The truth is, many aspects of our personality and emotional make-up develop over time through the psychological habits we have adopted — the ways we interpret events, the thoughts that run through our heads like clockwork, and the explanations we give ourselves for how the world works.

Few people want to become bitter and negative, and yet it’s not uncommon, especially for people who have experienced more than their share of tough times.

Want to have a more hopeful and optimistic outlook on life? See if you can minimize these mental habits that make people unhappy.

1. Not Forgiving Others

Many people equate forgiveness with forgetting that something happened altogether or with saying that what happened was OK. That’s not what forgiveness is about. Likewise, many people claim that they have forgiven someone for something, while in reality, they have not.

What real forgiveness means is allowing yourself to be free from the resentment of having been wronged, to accept that something has occurred, and to believe that you deserve to move on from it. It’s to declare your independence from perseverating on how to get revenge on another person, to stop dwelling on how to make them “make up for it,” and continuing to let that corrode your emotional well-being.

Forgiving is letting go in its healthiest, truest sense. Forgiveness doesn’t minimize the wrongness of someone’s actions. It just allows you to no longer be hurt by them. Forgiveness is associated with reduced depression, stress, hostility, improved self-esteem, and even physical health. When you look at its benefits, you’ll see it’s about being kind to yourself, not doing a favor for someone else.

2. Not Forgiving Yourself

Even more kind is allowing yourself to move on from your own mistakes. Regret, embarrassment, shame, and guilt from a single mistake can haunt you for years. And the ensuing negative thoughts, stress, and pessimistic outlook can create a dynamic in which you view the world in a bitter way — all because you feel that you are unworthy of feeling OK.

In fact, forgiving yourself has been shown to help reduce feelings of depression. If you find yourself plagued by thoughts of past mistakes, start noticing and exploring them: When are they at their worst? What feelings do they bring on? What makes them go away?

If you are locked in a never-ending fight with the thoughts, trying to “reason” your way out of them, see if, instead, you can learn to accept their presence without endorsing their meaning: “I’m having the thought again about the time I really was cruel to my parents. Hi, thought. I hear you there. You can’t hurt me right now, though, because I’m deciding what to have for lunch.”

3. All-or-None Thinking

It is amazing how frequently all-or-none thinking seems to underlie such a variety of unhealthy psychological states. From panic to low self-esteem, from perfectionism to hopelessness, it is not uncommon to uncover hidden and not-so-hidden patterns of this dysfunctional thinking in my clients when they are struggling with a negative worldview.

What all-or-none thinking does, by its very definition, is make your outlook on life more rigid. It magnifies negativity by making it appear bigger than it really is. It keeps your mind focusing on what’s gone wrong rather than what’s gone right, and it sets you up to see the bad in people, things, and life more often than the good.

See if you can catch yourself making this mistake in daily life: Are you inherently uncomfortable with shades of gray, and do you prefer things to be black-and-white? That might be good for organizing a closet, but when it comes to how you process the bad things that happen, it can hurt you.

4. Holding Others to a Higher Standard Than You Hold Yourself

When you are constantly disappointed and annoyed with people around you, it could mean that you are having an unlucky break and not being treated the way you deserve. It could also mean that you are choosing ill-fitting people to accompany you throughout life. Or, more likely, it could mean that you have a set of overly rigid standards for other people’s behavior that you don’t apply to yourself.

In fact, sometimes we are hardest on others when we see our own traits in them — things that we don’t like to admit or examine. Seeing these traits in others makes us uncomfortable. Like the classic hypocrite who crusades against sins far smaller than the ones he or she commits, it’s bound to create a disconnect within us that causes stress, hostility, and negativity.

Examine what’s really going on when you’re chronically frustrated with someone, whether it’s the stranger in the left-hand turn lane or your messy roommate. Are you looking at the whole picture? What if, instead of bathing in the negative energy, you chose to reflect on the last time you made a mistake and the way it may have looked to others? Sending empathy to others, even when you don’t want to, can be a surprisingly powerful tool to take away the anger.

5. Believing Things Will Never Get Better

Severe hopelessness can be particularly dangerous, putting people at increased risk for depression and even suicide. But even milder beliefs about how things will never improve can do significant day-to-day damage: “My sister will never get her act together,” “I’ll never be able to pay off my student loans,” and “The world is a bad place and getting worse” are all beliefs that show hopelessness and can blind a person to significant evidence to the contrary.

A lifetime is, for most of us, a decades-long ride that sees many highs and many lows, and many ebbs and many flows. Believing that there is a downward trajectory obstructs the beauty of everyday things and keeps you hopelessly and inaccurately believing negative ideas, giving them a staying power that they don’t deserve.

Imagine how much peace you can feel simply by allowing yourself to believe that harmonious and beautiful things yet to be experienced out there in the world. It takes practice to see them, but they are there and always will be.

6. Believing You Have Less Control Over Your Life Than You Really Do

Learned helplessness, first identified by Martin Seligman, involves the belief that we don’t have control over our situations even in cases when we do, and so we convince ourselves we shouldn’t even bother to try. This mindset has been shown to be correlated with depression, and for some people, it follows a period of time when they really did not have much control over their lives, perhaps while suffering from abuse or neglect, for example.

But when the belief that we have no power persists after we, in actuality, have gained power back, we’re denying ourselves the potential to make our lives better. We also increase the likelihood that we view the world as an inherently demoralizing place, convincing ourselves that we can’t make a difference.

The more we can feel that we steer our own ship, the more we can build a life that suits us. Are you underestimating your ability to get out of that dead-end job, find a partner who treats you well, or develop a peaceful resolution to your years-long fight with your brother? If so, you are doing yourself a great disservice and increasing your chances of letting your mindset harden into a bitter one.

7. Believing the Myth of Arrival

The myth of arrival refers to the idea that once you have “arrived” at a certain point in your life, everything will fall into place and the life you have waited for will finally begin. But sometimes this belief — that things will automatically get better once a certain thing happens — can be nearly as damaging as believing that things will never improve, because the former sets you up for a devastating letdown when things actually don’t get better.

“Once I finally meet the one/get my promotion/lose those 20 pounds/live in a bigger house/get my kids settled into independent and successful lives…then I’ll be happy” are common ways of thinking. But putting our happiness on hold — and in the hands of a random life event that may or may not have any effect whatsoever on our happiness — is giving way too much power to an external situation and not nearly enough to ourselves.

It robs us of the ability to find joy on our own terms. It makes us miss the proverbial journey because we’re so hyper-focused on the destination. Worst of all, it sets us up for a crash when we realize that it wasn’t those 20 pounds making us depressed, it was the fact that we were depressed, for different reasons entirely, that made us put on 20 pounds in the first place.

8. Overgeneralizing

It was one of the “cognitive errors” that Aaron Beck first identified as putting people at higher risk for depression, and it often manifests itself in believing that if you fail at one thing, you will fail at everything. The tendency to overgeneralize — to turn a molehill of a setback into a mountain — also underlies the thinking patterns of a lot of people who have pervasive negative views of the world around them.

Sometimes, this type of thinking can even look like paranoia: “Give anyone an inch, and they will take a mile” or “Just about everyone will take advantage of you if you let them.” It’s true that not every person is a paragon of virtue, but it’s also true that there is a lot of goodness out there if you just let yourself discover it.

And just because there are scammers doesn’t mean that you should stop helping those who aren’t. After all, helping others gives us a mood boost. So examine your beliefs to see if you are — against all available evidence — overgeneralizing the world into a dangerous or hostile place, which may show hostility coming from within.

9. Not Practicing Gratitude

Being grateful for things big and small brings big changes to your mental health. It is much harder to be bitter about slow service (“I AM NEVER COMING TO THIS RESTAURANT AGAIN!”) and have it ruin your whole night if you allow yourself to acknowledge how gorgeous the blooming trees outside the restaurant window were while you waited, or the fact that you are able to afford to pay someone to cook you a meal at all, or the fact that you were with someone who could make you laugh no matter how loudly your stomachs were growling.

Some people may think that gratitude meditation or keeping a list of things that you’re grateful for is hokey. But would you rather be a little hokey or be the person who goes his or her whole life without the mental and physical health benefits — lessened depression, improved immune system functioning, and heart health, among many others — that gratitude brings?

How to Create a Routine that Supports Good Mental Health

-Sharon Martin, LCSW

It’s January. You’re back to work and the kids are back to school. It’s time to put a routine in place that supports mental health and wellness.

Many of us plan to set up new routines and develop good habits in January. January feels like a fresh start, so it’s the natural time to recalibrate our habits.

Make your mental health a priority.

In my last post, I encouraged you to make your mental health a priority this year. So, let’s get specific and talk about how to structure your daily or weekly schedule to set yourself up for optimal mental health.

Routine makes life easier

When you set and keep a routine, it’s easier to make healthy choices. You don’t need to spend a lot of time and energy deciding what to do when you’ve created healthy habits to guide you.

Routines also reduce stress. They’re comforting because you can count on certain things getting done.

Right about now you might be thinking structure and good habits sound really boring and they take a lot of discipline. A routine doesn’t sound like fun! Well, a routine does take work to set in place…. but when you realize that your improved mental health will repay you many times over, you will hopefully decide you’re worth the effort.

And structure isn’t as confining as it seems. Structure is actually liberating when you realize that it frees up your time and energy for the things that matter most.

What is a routine that supports good mental health?

I hope this post will give you some ideas about how to create a routine that supports emotional health, but please remember that we’re all different and have individual needs. You first need to know yourself well enough to recognize what will work for you. For example, if you’re a night owl or an introvert, you need to create a routine that takes those traits into account.

I suggest creating a routine that includes these components:

A set bedtime and wake-up time. Try to keep the same bedtime and wake time every day of the week if possible. This makes it easier to fall asleep at night and wake-up in the morning. If you tend to put off going to bed, try setting a bedtime alarm (By the way, the iPhone now has this feature). Also, be sure your morning wake-up time allows enough time so you aren’t starting the day already late and stressed.
A healthy breakfast. Breakfast seems to set the tone for the day. Eating early and nutritiously sets you up with energy and for healthy eating during the rest of the day.
Time to blow off steam. What do you do to decrease stress? Whether it’s meditation or exercise or journaling, make a daily habit of doing something proactively to manage your stress.
Exercise. Exercise is one of the most effective ways to take care of your mental well being. Decide when you’re going to exercise and then get it on your calendar. Try to get in a little every day – the gym after work, or a walk at lunch, or riding your bike to the store.
Taking medications at the same time daily. Consistency with your medication serves as a reminder to take them and keeps them working properly.
Prioritize your to-do list. Sometimes I just want to get some of the quick and easy items knocked off my list and I’ll do those first. The problem is that these may not actually be priorities. Do the most important thing first (not what’s hardest, or easiest, or quickest).
Appreciate what’s good in your life. Many people like to keep a gratitude journal where they list five or ten things they’re grateful for before going to bed. You could also create a practice of noting five things before you get out of bed in the morning or while you’re in the shower. Keep it simple.
Adequate sleep. You know you feel better when you’re well rested. Adequate sleep can help you regulate your mood, stay focused, utilize healthy coping skills, and decrease stress hormones. Getting enough sleep also means you can rely less on caffeine, which can mess with your moods.
Fun and simple pleasures. That’s right, your routine also needs things you do for pleasure every single day. We all have our own ideas about what’s fun, so be sure your routine also includes things that make you happy. Just be sure that what you’re doing for pleasure is healthy; sorry, this isn’t a loophole for drinking a six-pack every night!
Build and enjoy your relationships. Make time for the people who matter to you. Family dinner is an excellent place to start. A regular date night with your spouse and coffee with friends can also be good routines to develop.

How do you fit all of this into your schedule?

This may look like a big list of things to do. It isn’t meant to overwhelm you.

Many of the items can be grouped together. For example, I connect with a girlfriend and exercise simultaneously when we go on our weekly walk.

If you’re going add things to your schedule, you may need to subtract other things. This might come in the form of setting boundaries and saying “no” to things that aren’t priorities and/or don’t support your well-being. It can also be spending less time on mindless activities that don’t really solve a problem or fill your emotional tank.

Also, remember that following a routine will save you time. You’ll be more efficient. You’ll have more energy.

The most important thing to remember about creating a routine to support your mental health is that it’s a work in progress. You don’t have to add all of these things to your routine this week. Start where you are and add one healthy habit to your routine at a time. If you don’t keep to the routine perfectly, that’s fine. Self-forgiveness is also good for your mental health!

Productive Fidgets: 8 Ways to Deal with Anxiety and Depression

-Liz Briggs

As a person with active and severe mental illness, for six months I worked with a service animal. When I weaned off of his care, I transitioned to things that would keep my hands busy, things that would keep me from absentmindedly scratching myself or picking at my skin. I tried things like Play0Doh, modeling wax, and rubbing stones, but none could engage my brain enough to keep me on track. I eventually found the missing link: they were not productive.

Once I had isolated this critical thread, I was able to pack myself a small bag of “productive fidgets” that I could carry around in a manner that is *relatively* socially innocuous while mitigating the symptoms of my anxiety and depression.

Knit or crochet
Knitting has been my favorite, because of the simple, repetitive motion. Knitting is essentially tying identical knots over and over in a line, and then at the end of the line flipping over and doing the exact same thing in the opposite direction. Creating simple square or rectangular-shaped pieces (scarves, baby blankets) requires only minimal thought, but simultaneously fully engages both hands and the eyes, as well as allowing me to daydream of the person for whom I am creating the item. My favorite this past year was a set of two Harry Potter-themed blankets for a newborn set of twin baby girls.
Write lists
Get on your phone! There is perhaps no singular more “socially acceptable” fidget than playing with your phone. I visualize my refrigerator, and imagine what needs to be consumed. Then I list out two to four days worth of breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and snacks, using up those foods. Sometimes I take a brief sojourn over to Pinterest and type in “onions and limes” and see what pops up. I have made some dishes I’d never previously heard of by following this pattern.
Sort/file
Again this is a phone-based fidget. Get into your email and start deleting things from 2008 about Black Friday sales. Make new email folders and delete some of the existing ones that seemed like such a good idea at the time. Sort and organize the apps on your phone into new or more logical files.
Focused exercises/stretching
Hug yourself tight. Reach your hands across your back and pull. Point and flex your feet. Pull your knees up to your chest. Stretching improves flexibility and overall health. Do you want to do the splits? I *super* believe in you…just stretch a little more each day.
Write letters to family/old friends/future self
Don’t you have that one auntie who lives somewhere in the Pacific Northwest? When was the last time you talked to her? I bet she would love to hear that funny thing that happened at work last week…and she might even be interested in whatever that Mexican food recipe was that you found to use up your onions and limes. And again, this is a fidget that you can do on your phone.
Record memories
I swear I cannot spend more than ten minutes with my little nephews without one of them saying something unbelievably adorable. If I wrote all those things down, I’d be well on my way to a coffee table book. That text plus some pictures of flowers, maybe.
Learn something/read something
There are so many things to read on the Internet, not to mention the ability to download ebooks to your phone (or iPad or Kindle, etc). Some of my favorite non-Internet-based things to read are old journals from when I was a little kid. It is so amusing to see what I considered important enough to record!
Create something artistic
This is your vastly open-ended option. What do YOU create that you are proud of? Are you good at sketching? Computer animation? Photography? Poetry? What about something like napkin-folding or origami? What is your art? How do YOU make this world a better place?

The medications we have to treat symptoms of mental illness are wonderful, and I wouldn’t be able to live the functional, contributing life that I do without them. That being said, sometimes before popping a PRN medication, I find that taking steps to make myself a responsible and contributing member of society has many of the same positive effects on my brain and my behavior. Plus I get the benefit of the outcomes of whatever project(s) I’ve chosen to attack! Getting stuff done rocks.

The 7 Best Tips for Handling Anger and Resentment in Relationships

-Dr. Alicia H. Clark

Too much fighting in your relationship? Empathy is the antidote to anger!

“Love is not a contract between two narcissists. It’s more than that. It’s a construction that compels the participants to go beyond narcissism. In order that love lasts one has to reinvent oneself.” – French Philosopher Alain Badiou

Resentment and anger in relationships often stem from utter dismay at how your spouse could have possibly done what they did. You just can’t understand it — you never would have done such a thing.

Affection Is Key to Keeping Love Alive

Here are a few scenarios as examples:

For months on end, he was supposed to close a business bank account that was charging enormous fees and that he wasn’t even using anymore. There was always some excuse, and meanwhile, hundreds of dollars were going to waste.
You’ve asked her countless times to please only play radio stations with upbeat music in the morning. But morning after morning, she keeps putting on the classical music station, which you’ve told her makes you feel like you should go back to sleep. How can she always seemingly forget your request?
You both thought the other one had agreed to do dishes on Tuesday evenings. It’s almost midnight and neither one of you did them, and you are both silently resenting the other one. You don’t want to go to bed angry, but this is just the camel’s back from all of the other times your spouse didn’t do the dishes when they said they would.

The above situations are representative of the mundane resentments in life that lead to overriding marital problems when not handled with effective communication. Left unchecked over time, resentment will lead to anger in relationships, which takes enormous emotional resources to undo. Better to deal with resentment than let it spiral out of control.

So what is the solution to dealing with resentment against your spouse and its possible escalation to anger? The solution is to channel the shock at your spouse’s behavior into empathy, to try and understand them, and to come at the situation trying to see their perspective. It’s trite to say, but that’s because it is advice which is perennial. If it were easy, no one would need to talk about it much.

How can we feel empathy, and how can we act empathic, to the partners we resent? Here are 7 top tips:

1. Use “I statement” feeling terms, but don’t use “you.”
Here is one example about how to phrase dissatisfaction over another spouse’s actions: “I feel resentful that the business account is still open. I want to understand if I can help you in any way to close the account, because I will feel really relieved and relaxed when it’s closed.”

2. Count to ten before speaking.
This will help you choose your words more carefully and not say something you will regret.

3. Implement the I-Thou.
“Catch” the other’s feelings, trying to feel them yourself. Surprisingly, this makes the experience of those feelings actually diminish. This is powerful because it is really the only way a person can impact another’s experience with feelings of anger in relationships.

4. Practice active listening.
Repeat back what you heard in order to confirm you understood, and affirm your partner’s feelings.

5. Connect physically.
For one, hug, and do have sex. For many women, this may involve a bit of fake it ’til you make it, if the situation is in the process of being resolved but isn’t there yet. For most men, sex actually serves to alleviate resentment because it’s a form of connection in its own right.

Even though you both might not be in the same emotional place during the resolution process, connecting physically can help. In fact, some marriage counselors suggest that if the marriage is on a downswing, have sex at least once a day. The scheduled connection might put things in a different light and aid in resolving resentment.

6. Meet on a bridge.
This can be metaphorical and also realistic. In order to channel resentment into empathy, the “understanding bridge” will need to be gapped. Integrate the idea that “we both have to be on this bridge together.” We really can’t see what our partner is feeling until we get out on the bridge. The more steps you take, the more you can see the middle “hump” of this bridge, where you both come together in understanding the other. In order to actualize this place of mutual understanding, one idea is to literally go to a bridge nearby.

Pack a blanket and a light picnic snack, go to the bridge, and talk things out. The relaxing setting and fresh air can lend itself to openness, as well as taking things less seriously. The bridge has the advantage of serving as a successful means to reconnect.

7. Engage in daily empathy actions.
Empathy is not necessarily the default feeling and needs some retraining to become par for the course. Routine empathy can be actualized by checking in with our partners about how they are feeling, looking them in the eye, and regularly giving the benefit of the doubt. Once empathy becomes intrinsic behavior, resentment often becomes a thing of the past.

Are There Limits to Unconditional Love?

Empathy, it turns out, is the antidote to anger in relationships. As such, feelings of empathy also fuel natural anxiety reduction. Not only will you hopefully come to an understanding with your life partner, you will both feel calmer.

Making empathy a regular part of your relationship will have an impact not only on getting along better, but ultimately feeling more connected and less stressed, because it facilitates you getting out of your own head, and into your partner’s. Empathy, as such, fosters unity, transforming narcissistic into conjoined, and dismay into understanding. Empathy forges the reinvention of self that, as Alain Badiou points out, is necessary for long-lasting love.