Death, Wealth, and the Psychological Anatomy of a Family Dispute

-Darren T. Case

From the fifteenth century dispute over the succession to the British throne ultimately won by Queen Elizabeth I over her familial rival, Mary, Queen of Scots, to the more recent dispute amongst the Koch children fighting over their father’s $5.6 billion dollar fortune, death and disputes over a family’s wealth have been a reoccurring story for centuries. The public is fascinated by families fighting over the wealth of the deceased.

Recently it seemed it was only hours after the death of Prince that multiple articles had been published forecasting the potential family members set to litigate over the purple rain wealth. While the public seemingly cannot get enough of these types of legal battles, the embarrassed families involved would prefer to not air their dirty laundry. Especially considering that the media tends to focus on the perceived greed of the siblings over the inheritance, but as intimately known by the family members involved, such would not even come close to explaining the entire story. Often never realized is the root cause of the vicious and costly disputes, which is the deep-seated psychological issues amongst family members that have been developing for quite some time.

Family issues are ripe to develop during childhood. According to a 1996 study at Penn State University, 33% of a child’s free time is devoted to their siblings by age 11. This certainly provides sufficient time for the sibling rivalries and other childhood issues to fester over the years, but many might be surprised to learn that root cause of these issues might actually be due to the order in which the children were born. The earliest studies on the subject of birth order impacting a child’s temperament are believed to be those of Austrian psychotherapist, Alfred W. Adler from the early twentieth century. Adler theorized that the personality of a child is largely dictated by birth order, arguing that firstborn children are more achievement oriented, with a second-born child being competitive and ambitious, and later-born children being sociable but dependent.

An extensive number of studies spawned from Adler’s work, many of which demonstrate advantages of being the firstborn child. Firstborn children tend to have a higher IQ and are more likely to annually earn at least $100,000 more than their siblings, but such will not prevent the sense of betrayal felt when the firstborn’s parents bring home a newborn baby receiving the bulk of attention. Middle children, most likely to receive the least amount of attention and quality time with parents, may unknowingly harbor resentment towards their older and younger siblings believing the parents did not love him or her as much. Many last-born children are seen by their siblings as being spoiled or treated much more leniently by parents, also causing consternation in the family unit.

While many may assume that these issues simply go away upon the children growing up, many studies illustrate that early childhood experiences can continue to influence individuals into adulthood. New York psychotherapist Jeanne Safer, Ph.D. details just that in her book Cain’s Legacy: Liberating Siblings from a Lifetime of Rage, Shame, Secrecy, and Regret, stating that “Rivalry, competition and anxiety about your place in your parents’ affections… [breed] rancor that haunts siblings all their lives and occurs in each phase of adulthood–work, marriage, parenthood, caring for aging parents, and eventually, settling that perpetual minefield, the estate.” Thus, these childhood issues very well could be the psychological seed planted that causes the legal battles following the death of a parent. But what, if anything, have the families been doing in an attempt to avoid these humiliating public disputes and the collateral damage to the family’s wealth?

Most affluent families are certainly not taking the ostrich approach by simply sticking their head in the sand and ignoring the warning signs. Parents often take the initial precautions of setting up their estate plan, although still far too few families do; approximately 64% of the U.S. population is currently without an estate plan based upon recent polling. This is certainly a critical step in the process, but it would be naïve for parents to believe that the estate plan will prevent any and all disputes. Even the most talented and well-respected attorneys will experience the illogical and unreasonable actions by grieving children when the estate plan is brilliantly written.

For parents wishing to do more than just setting up the estate plan and keeping their fingers-crossed, family meetings are often set up. The hope and purpose of holding the family meeting is to provide an open dialogue about the family’s wealth and what the parents choose to do with it following their death. The concept of the family meetings to discuss estate planning and wealth is certainly not a new concept. Wealthier families and their advisors have been holding family meetings for quite some time, with a variety of successes and failures, but commonly from a tax and financial perspective alone. These financial discussions are unquestionably necessary, for the conversation about money (i.e., inheritance) can be one of the most difficult topics anyone can have, but it is debatable whether these conversations will prevent the shocking family disputes that spill into our court systems following the death of the surviving parent.

Many times the issues amongst siblings run much deeper than the disputes over money.

It is not that the parents or their estate planning attorney do not recognize that these issues exist amongst the children. The potential problem with this attorney-client setting is that an interdisciplinary approach of involving the field of psychology in the estate planning process is not being recognized by the parties involved. While an attorney is well-experienced with post-mortem family squabbles, the attorney’s de facto degree in psychology or therapy is a far cry from involving a licensed professional to solve the deep-seated issues in the underlying the estate plan. The difficulty, however, is finding a workable setting for the family, the attorney, and the licensed professional involved, all while delicately navigating both the attorney-client and physician-patient privileges.

The extent of using a psychologist or therapist during the estate planning process is certainly up to the parents. So long as the estate plan is revocable, it would be wise to get it in place while arranging the meetings with the medically licensed professionals. It may also be prudent for the parents to meet with the psychologist or therapist on their own at first, seeking recommendations as to how to address sibling rivalries and other issues prior to any family meeting, but understanding that the professional’s recommendations may be limited in scope or incomplete without involvement of the children. Regardless of children involvement, consideration of having the estate planning attorney engage in preliminarily discussions with the psychologist or therapist may also be advisable.

This more unique interdisciplinary approach to the estate planning process certainly does not guarantee that any and all post-mortem disputes will be avoided. The deep-seated issues, even with psychological assistance, may still surface in a volatile manner when the adult children are once again thrust together in a substantially emotional situation involving the death of a parent. However, many families would welcome additional recommendations or options available for avoiding the costly and embarrassing litigation battles over estates and trusts.

This more unique inter-disciplinary approach to the estate planning process may not only lead to less family disputes being subjected to the public’s fascination with death and wealth, but it may also allow the parents to comfortably state that they did everything they could for the children that they brought into this world, who inevitably will be close by their side upon their death. And that may ultimately be the effort the family is looking for in managing their private affairs while alive.

Self-Compassion: A Life-Changing Skill

-Neil Petersen

It’s a cliche to say that we’re out own worst critics. But if you read the AllPsych blog very much, you know that psychology researchers are in the business of showing that a lot of the old cliches go a lot deeper than we might think.

Today’s exhibit is self-compassion. Most of the research coming out on this topic is suggesting that you can make a real difference in your life by showing yourself a little empathy.

That’s because self-compassion is linked with mental health in a general way: people who have higher self-compassion tend to have higher overall wellbeing and happiness. Giving yourself a fair shake can change your approach to life.

Don’t believe me? OK, here come the studies…

For starters, research published earlier this year found that a “harsh attitude towards oneself” was a strong predictor of depression and poor mood in the general population. Mindfulness also had significant influence, suggesting that a combination of high self-compassion and high mindfulness may be optimal for mental health.

Another study published this month showed that when women are feeling less self-compassionate than they usually do, interacting with people focused on their bodies makes them more concerned about their body image and lowers their mood. When they’re feeling more self-compassionate than normal, however, interacting with people focused on their bodies has no effect or sometimes even makes them appreciate their bodies more.

One researcher looked at self-compassion in older adults. She discovered that those who approached their relationships in more anxious and avoidant ways tended to have lower purpose in life, sense of mastery of their environment, personal growth, self-acceptance and overall quality of interpersonal relationships. However, what connected all these things to the way people approached their relationships was how much self-compassion the people felt.

Of course, there’s a natural question here: does becoming more self-compassionate actually make people happier, or does being happy just make people more self-compassionate?

Well, good news: self-compassion is a skill that can be learned.

Earlier this year, a team of researchers experimented with a six-week online course for teaching self-compassion. When the program ended, the 37 participants reported that they felt not just more self-compassionate but also happier, less stressed, less depressed and better at managing their emotions. Even better, they were still experiencing the benefits of their self-compassion training three months later!

So if self-compassion is such a powerful way of creating positive change in our lives, why isn’t everyone already going out of their way to cultivate empathy for themselves?

Recently, some psychologists from the United Kingdom did a survey to figure this out. They found that while most people think the world would be a better place if we were all a little more self-compassionate, people feel some reluctance about becoming more self-compassionate themselves.

Specifically, they think being more self-compassionate will make them more vulnerable and maybe even open them up to ridicule from others because they feel Western culture discourages self-compassion.

This suggests that if we’re serious about promoting a happier, healthier, less stressed society, we have to create a culture of self-compassion. And we can work toward that by being more self-compassionate as individuals.

Think about it, developing a self-compassionate approach to life is a win-win: not only are you an early adopter on the cutting edge, but you’ll be happier and less stressed out as a result!

9 Steps for Reducing Stress this Holiday Season

-Julia Lehrman, LCSW, RYT

December is officially upon us. With the holiday season in full swing, we are more likely to encounter the unforeseen travel delays, frustratingly long lines, and triggering interpersonal interactions that tend to be commonplace this time of year. These situations can push our buttons and test our limits. Here are some strategies to use when you feel like your patience is running low.

1) Realize that some things are out of your control
This can be tough, but the sooner this recognition occurs, the better. We cannot control the weather, the traffic, or the actions of other people. When we fight against what is out of our control, we often end up feeling more miserable and stressed out. Instead of stressing about what you cannot change, give yourself permission to let go of the struggle and move forward.

2) Realize that some things are in your control
Hooray! While it is not always easy, we do have the power to control our actions and reactions. We also have the ability to influence our state of consciousness (see #4), mental processes (see #5), and physiological responses (see #6). By effectively drawing upon your own personal resources, you allow yourself the opportunity to regain control and feel more at ease. By focusing on what you can control, you become not only less stressed, but more empowered.

3) Learn to surrender and accept
Instead of resisting against the things that are out of our control, we can choose to surrender. There is absolutely no connotation of weakness or defeat by choosing this route. To surrender is to find acceptance for that which we cannot change. When we release resistance and welcome acceptance, we actively reduce our own suffering. Finding acceptance helps decrease stress and other difficult emotions while simultaneously increasing feelings of liberation. By learning to surrender, you actually win.

4) Be mindful
Pause for a moment. Discern what is happening inside of you right now. Try to observe your internal experience, just as it is, without judgment. See if you can be an objective witness to your own inner-workings. Encourage yourself to become more conscious of what is transpiring within you. From there, you can more clearly see what is happening around you. Being mindful is a way to lessen the gap between the stressed-out version of yourself and who you are when functioning at your optimum level. Practicing mindfulness brings you one step closer to becoming the best version of yourself.

5) Take charge of your thoughts
Although sometimes it might not seem like it, we are in control of our thoughts. The goal is not to ignore or deny the thoughts, but rather to clearly see them, acknowledge them, and then transform them. Try to honestly type out your thoughts or write them in a journal. Once you identify your thought patterns, you are better equipped to change your thinking from negative to positive. Since our thoughts so greatly impact our emotions and behaviors, this shift can play a crucial role in decreasing stress and the actions that accompany it. As the saying goes, “what you think, you become”.

6) Use your breath
Your breath is a tool that you always have with you. It is there for you no matter where you are, no matter who you are with, and no matter what is going on around you. Your breath connects your mind and body and it can be your greatest ally in dissipating stress. As you breathe in, think of the word “inhale” and as you breathe out, think of the word “exhale”. Continue to silently and steadily label your inhales and exhales until you find a steady rhythm in your breathing. Keep focusing on your breath to calm your nervous system and stay present. Like icicles melting outside, watch your stress slowly start to disappear.

7) Look on the bright side
Again, this can be challenging, but also entirely doable. See if you can focus on the positive or find the silver lining in frustrating and stressful situations. Try to think of something you are grateful for, rather than automatically honing in on the negative or what is going wrong. Gratitude has been shown to help reduce negative emotions such as stress and improve connection to the self and others. Also, sometimes the most disastrous seeming situations are the ones that actually end up turning out the best. Open yourself up to all the possibilities.

8) Take care of yourself
Self-care is a potent remedy for stress and a main ingredient in our overall well-being. Often, the more stressed we become, the less we take care of ourselves. Although it may take time, self-care is time well-invested and can prevent burn out. You might try exercising, taking a shower or bath, drinking herbal tea, eating a balanced and healthy meal, resting/ getting a good night of sleep, going for a massage or manicure/pedicure or engaging in any other relaxing activity that brings you peace. It is impossible to pour from an empty cup, so try to replenish yours as much as possible with healthy amounts of self-care.

9) Try not to compare
Relinquish the temptation to compare yourself to others. Whether on social media or in person, comparing can lead to distorted perceptions and feelings of stress. Notice if comparing is a habitual or automatic response for you. Rather than operating from a scarcity mindset, aim to cultivate an attitude of joyful abundance. Believe that you already possess all the qualities necessary to attract happiness and success. Sometimes it is just a matter of unveiling and embracing those attributes that may be cloaked in fear or self-doubt. Sprinkle in a word or two of kindness and provide yourself a calming elixir to soothe holiday stress away.

We all experience stress to varying degrees. Some situations and exchanges can be more provoking than others. Mindfulness techniques such as the ones described in the steps above have an infinite number of potential applications for counteracting stress and other types of emotional distress. Try using these tactics in various situations in your daily life and see what happens.

Therapy is a great place to process the causes and effects of stress beyond the holiday season. With the new year around the corner, now is as good a time as any to get a head start on your goals for 2017. If you are curious about learning more or want to explore ways to utilize these skills on a regular basis, contact me today!

Is Your Partner Really ‘Emotionally Unavailable’ or Is It You?

-Anna Lloyd

“He’s just so emotionally unavailable.” This is one of the things I hear most often in my practice and one of the things I heard myself saying most often before I did my own work. I remember being utterly convinced of it. The evidence was in everything my husband did — the way he stonewalled me during arguments, the way he zoned out and disappeared into the television so much, the way he got sleepy and indeed did even nod off when I was talking to him sometimes. I was outraged by his “emotional unavailability” and I experienced it as deeply wounding.

Women, and sometimes men, often have a long list of behaviors they have identified in their partner which serves as evidence of their partner’s emotional unavailability. What they often miss is that the behaviors they are observing do not occur in a vacuum. They occur within the context of a relational field, one significant aspect of that field being the person doing all the observing, judging and amassing of evidence.

What I find so interesting is that, when we are constantly watching our partners for their level of availability, scanning their behavior, anxiously monitoring them and living in hyper-vigilant relationship to their level of availability, WE are in fact unavailable — to our partners and to ourselves. When we are so focused on the other, we leave ourselves, and the intensity of focus on the other and intensity of need for the other to be available is an open invitation for the other to distance, withdraw or shut down. Far from being just inherently emotionally unavailable, the partner observed as “emotionally unavailable” is actually expressing part of a relationship process, in which both partners play an equal role.

What so often gets missed is the reciprocal nature of the relationship between partners.

I have heard even respected therapists say things like “He will always be an avoidant,” and actually what I have come to believe is that that is rarely true. In different relationships we do different dances. It depends on the reciprocal process that develops between us. But one thing is for sure, being monitored and having our behavior scrutinized and our level of availability constantly assessed and criticized is hardly inviting of intimacy or closeness. It has an intrusive or “too close” flavor that invites distancing behavior in the other and makes it very likely that they will need to retreat.

If we look out at the distancing other and only see their distancing, rather than also seeing our role in the dance, we rob ourselves of the power we have to alter the dance. When one partner in a partnered dance alters their dance moves — their rhythm, timing, spacing, intensity etc, even very subtly, the other partner cannot help but alter theirs. This is the power of working with relationship phenomena systemically. We need not be concerned with attempting in any way to change the other, we need only change ourselves, and the other will change around us.

In my own relationship it has been so vital to dispense with unhelpful labels like “avoidant” or “emotionally unavailable,” to get my focus off what my husband is doing and to look at my own part of the dance. If my husband has become distant or withdrawn, what contribution have I made to that state of play? Have I assailed him the moment he has entered a house full of children in various states of dinner/bath chaos, not half an hour after he has finished a full day working in an intense job, coming at him with the full force of my excitement/intensity/anxiety/need to talk and connect. If I really thought it through would I choose to try and connect in that way? Am I really emotionally available when I move toward him in that way — or am I just discharging energy from my day? What happens if I manage my intensity and my need more thoughtfully, act with more self-responsibility, parent myself, practice a little containment, patience and maturity? If I am actually interested in getting my needs met, how, when and in what manner might I approach him?

When we are obsessed with our partner’s unavailability and endlessly taking note of the long list of behaviors they would need to change in order to be more available, we disempower ourselves and we damage our relationships. Many relationships don’t survive the damage done. When we begin to look at our own part in the dance however, all the answers for a more satisfying relationship lie there, and we empower ourselves to do what needs to be done and make the necessary changes because we have no power over others, we have loads over ourselves.

This conscious attending to our part in the dance can be done from either side of the closeness-distance, pursuit-withdrawal reciprocity. The partner who more often distances has just as much power to observe themselves in their part of the dance and to alter their contribution. There is of course, as above, an interplay between a distancing partner’s behavior and another partner who is in pursuit.

One of the many gifts of no longer kidding yourself that it is your partner that is emotionally unavailable, is the opportunity to begin to be emotionally available to ourselves, to identify and give ourselves what we need and hunger for, to define and live by our own values and principles, and to become our own loving parent. When we quit blaming the people we love for what we are experiencing and begin to acknowledge the back and forth, reciprocal interplay of our relationships, in a completely blameless way, adult relationships become possible. Our need for our partner to be emotionally available to us settles down markedly and we become capable of bringing a full self to our relationship encounters.

Wonderfully, when I become focused on the degree to which I am in relationship with myself, my needs are much more met in my own self-process, and when I do choose to move towards my husband I am significantly less needy and overwhelming, and he is naturally more receptive to connection, and has less need to chronically distance. I am always struck by the beautiful paradox that in becoming willing to risk not getting what we so desire from our partners, and learning to hold ourselves with love in the suspended tension of that place, we often end up getting our heart’s desire in spades.

How to Stop Enabling

-Jonice Webb, PhD

What is enabling?

Enabling isn’t the same as helping. Helping is doing things that others can’t do for themselves. Enabling is doing for others what they can and should do for themselves.

Codependent relationships are out of balance and often involve enabling. If you have codependent traits, you over-function, are overly responsible, or work harder than the other person in the relationship. This allows him/her to under-function or be irresponsible because you’re picking up the slack. When you enable, you take responsibility for someone else’s behavior.

Examples of enabling an adult include:

Making excuses for his/her behavior
Bailing him/her out of jail
Giving or loaning money
Cleaning up after him/her
Paying his/her bills
Providing transportation or a place to stay
Doing his/her laundry, dishes, meal prep
Pretending everything’s OK when it’s not
Lying about him/him so others won’t think badly about him/her
Saying you’re not going to do any of the above, but then doing it anyway

In certain circumstances, some of these behaviors could be helping rather than enabling. However, they are probably enabling if you do them repeatedly, they are an inconvenience or hardship, the need occurs due to untreated addiction or mental illness, irresponsible behavior, or refusal to fulfill adult roles. Enabling helps your loved one avoid the natural (and negative) consequences of his/her behavior. This may temporarily keep the peace, but it ultimately prolongs the problems.

Enabling prolongs the problem by allowing your loved one to avoid negative consequences that would motivate change?

So, if what you really want is for your loved one to change, why do you enable him/her to continue destructive behaviors?

These are some common reasons for enabling:

You worry about your loved one physically hurting him/herself or others
You worry about your loved one getting into trouble
You’re afraid of conflict
You don’t know how to set boundaries
You’re afraid your loved one will leave you, shame you, take the kids, ruin your finances, etc.
You truly want to help, but feel powerless

How do you stop enabling?

The truth is it’s hard to stop enabling. Your intentions are good and your worries may be valid. Below I’ve outlined several components that will help you to stop enabling.

Accept that you can’t fix it.

Enabling is an effort to control an uncontrollable situation. It’s scary because your loved is out of your control and probably making some pretty bad and risky choices. Unfortunately, you are powerless to prevent harm from happening. Accepting this is waking up from denial. Nothing that you do or don’t do can save your loved one or force him/her to make better choices. That’s the bottom line.

I find it helpful to remember that you didn’t cause your loved one’s problems and you can’t fix them. You can control yourself and that’s it.

This is also known as detaching. Detaching means that you untangle yourself from your under-functioning loved one, see yourself as a completely separate person, and begin to focus more on your own needs. When you detach, you stop taking responsibility for other people and start taking responsibility for your own behavior and needs. Detaching helps you recognize that your loved one is not a reflection of you and you are not responsible for and did not cause the problems that they’re having.

Get out of denial.

In order to stop enabling, you have to break through your denial. Denial is tricky because your reality seems completely real to you. It can help to spend some quality time in contemplation about your enabling behaviors, how they allow your loved one to continue in a dysfunctional pattern, and how your life is out of control. You may also find it’s necessary to get some outside opinions to break through your denial. 12-step meetings and sponsors are great at this, in my experience. But a trusted friend, spiritual leader, or therapist can also be helpful.

Be honest in order to break down shame.

Shame is another big barrier to changing your enabling behaviors. Chances are you’ve experienced judgment from others about your choices. It’s very easy for others to say, “Why do you keep loaning him money? You know he’s only going to use it to get high.” From the outside, enabling makes no logical sense. And on some level, you know that your enabling isn’t helping (or maybe it’s even causing more problems).

Do you feel ashamed of your enabling? Are you honest with yourself about what you’re doing? Are you honest with others about it? Maybe you no longer confide in your best friend about paying your adult son’s phone bill because you know that she’ll shake her head in judgment.

When we experience judgment, we tend to stop talking about it and start minimizing, denying, omitting, and lying. Remember, shame lives in your secrets.

The clearest path out of shame is honesty and I know that’s hard. Start with being honest with yourself. It’s time to truly own what you’re doing and why. Then you can move on to sharing with people who have earned your trust and really get it.

Manage your anxiety.

Enabling may be an effort to protect your loved one, but enabling is also an effort to manage your own anxiety and worry about the situation. So when you enable, you’re also trying to make yourself feel better in a very scary and out of control dysfunctional situation.

Anxiety is another reason that it doesn’t work to simply tell people to stop enabling. When you stop enabling, your anxiety and worry are going to spike and you’re temporarily going to feel worse.

If you think that anxiety and worry fuel your enabling, getting help to manage your anxiety may be necessary in order to change your behavior. Professional treatment through psychotherapy and/or medication is very effective for many. You may also find some relief through meditation, using apps such as Self-Help for Anxiety Management or Insight Timer, grounding techniques, or journaling. The website Anxiety BC is a resource for managing anxiety that I often recommend to my own patients.

Once you get a handle on your own anxiety and worry, you will be better able to reduce your enabling behaviors.

Restoring balance to your relationship means you need to stop doing things for the other person in the codependent relationship. You can learn to stop enabling when you accept that you can’t fix it, get out of denial, get honest with yourself and others, and manage your anxiety and worry. Support is also an important part of any change plan. Reach out to others through Al-Anon or Codependents Anonymous, online forums, therapy, or supportive people in your life. Change is hard, but definitely possible!

Living Life in Seeking Mode

-Jonice Webb, PhD

Do You:

Eat too much?

Spend too much?

Drink too much?

Smoke cigarettes or pot?

Spend too much time on the internet?

If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, there’s something you should know:

There is probably a good reason for it.

These types of tendencies, which we all tend to think of merely as habits, are actually much more than that. “Habits” like these are actually your unconscious attempt to adapt to, or cope with, something inside you. A deep discomfort or emptiness or pain which your body feels, but of which you are most likely unaware.

Eating, spending, drinking, smoking or zoning out on the internet are all actually ways that you have found to soothe yourself.

During 20 years of practicing psychology, I have observed that these tendencies are not only common, they are practically ubiquitous. You may be able to find a person who doesn’t regularly over-indulge in something that’s not good for him or her, but it won’t be easy.

In today’s world, life comes at us quickly. We move from one activity or errand to the next, and in-between we are occupying ourselves with the internet, social media, Hulu or Netflix. We seldom have a moment to simply sit with ourselves, think the thoughts that need to be thought, or feel the feelings that need to be felt. Both of which are required to process an emotion in a healing and growth-producing way.

The truth is, most of us are not even aware that emotions need to be felt or processed. And, of course, not every emotion does. But the most deep and powerful emotions that drive us are the ones that we must acknowledge, feel, and think about. These emotions have the ability to either make or break us. And when we do not acknowledge, face, and process these feelings, their strength and power continually build over time.

If you were raised in a family that under-attended, under-acknowledged, and under-discussed feelings and emotions (Childhood Emotional Neglect or CEN), you are more likely to live your life in seeking mode for two key reasons. First, when your emotions are pushed away, you are left with an emptiness that naturally seeks to be filled. Secondly, if your family avoided feelings you probably didn’t learn the emotion skills that other people have: how to name, sit with, understand, manage, and express your feelings.

Where does this leave you? It leaves you scrambling to feel better. Seeking a distraction or a soother that’s readily available and under your control. Something that will fill you, gratify you, take you away, and dull your painful feelings so that you will not have to feel them.

Once you’re in this cycle of seeking and avoiding, it can be difficult to escape from it.

But you can.

4 Steps to Stop Living Your Life in Seeking Mode

Set aside a specific period of time every day (any length from 2 to 30 minutes) to sit alone in a room with your eyes closed and pay attention to the feelings and thoughts that you have. Set a timer so that you don’t have to watch the clock.
Gradually increase the time you spend per day or the days per week that you do this; or both.
At the end of each sitting session, write down the thoughts and feelings you noticed. Keep writing as much and as often as you can; Periodically re-read all that you have written.
Learn how to meditate. Meditation is not only a way to train your brain to look inward, it also gives you better control over your own mind. Meditation has been proven by research to improve your health, and build powers of concentration. Therapists know that it also is useful in processing emotions.

The problem behaviors that you always thought were habits are actually a message to you. You need something, and some part of you knows it.

What you do not need is to be filled by food or drink or material rewards, or to escape by zoning out.

All you really need is to finally give yourself — and your feelings — some well-deserved attention.

At last.

Healthy Boundaries for the Holidays

-Sharon Martin, LCSW

Healthy boundaries are important all year long.

Healthy boundaries create a framework that let’s people know how to treat you. They help create respectful, mutual relationships because expectations are clear. The biggest boundary problems occur when you put someone else’s needs before your own and allow yourself to be mistreated or devalued.

The holidays add some extra challenges when it comes to healthy boundaries. As you know, the holiday season means more social commitments, financial pressures, family gatherings, more eating and drinking. You may find yourself over-stressed and off your normal routine of exercising, sleeping, healthy eating and other positive coping activities.

It becomes easy to make excuses and make unhealthy choices “because it’s Christmas”. You may become more passive and not want to voice your needs for fear of ruining a special occassion with an argument. Being around family can also mean slipping back into old relationship patterns that you’ve work hard to untangle yourself from.

For many, the holidays are all about giving and doing for others. This is a wonderful thing as long as it’s not at your own expense. Your wants and needs are valid and important. Speak up about how you want to spend the holidays, what gifts you want, or which social occassions you want to attend. Acting like a martyr only tends to cause resentments.

Don’t let the holidays become an excuse for poor boundaries.

I put together this guide to healthy holiday boundaries to help you stay focused and true to yourself.

Ask for what you want or need.
Say “no” without guilt.
Say “yes” because you want to, not out of obligation or to please others.
Let go of trying to control what other people eat, drink, wear, say, or do.
Be empowered to skip, go late, leave early, or drive your own car to holiday parties.
Express your feelings in an assertive and respectful way. Avoid passive-aggressive behavior.
Take care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.
Spend time with supportive people.
Take responsibility for your own happiness and don’t be a martyr.
Don’t make excuses for yourself or anyone else.
Act according to your own values and beliefs.

Reached Your Goal But Still Unhappy? 4 Steps to Take

-Melody Wilding, LMSW

Do these sound like promises you’ve made to yourself?

Once I get the promotion, I’ll feel like my career is on track.
After this busy period, I won’t have to work so much and can spend time doing things I enjoy.
When I make six-figures, I’ll be financially secure enough to move across the country/start a family/write a book.

In our goal-oriented society, setting an objective to work toward is often a powerful motivator that drives professional and personal progress.

In theory this may not sound like a bad thing, but what if when you achieve that goal, life doesn’t really look or feel any different? For example, have you ever completed one project only to realize that there’s now even more to do, meaning you’re further from the work-life balance you so desperately crave? Others may relate to the confusing feeling of finally getting or a raise or promotion, only to remain haunted by anxiety and a sneaking sense of disillusionment.

This disconcerting let down has name. Commonly known as the arrival fallacy, it’s a psychological thought trap high-achievers are all too familiar with.

Here’s how the arrival fallacy works along with what you can do to counteract it and reach new heights of success.

The Arrival Fallacy: What It Is And How it Works

The arrival fallacy — a term introduced by positive psychology expert Tal Ben-Shahar in his book Happier — operates on the idea that in the process of working toward a goal, you come to expect that you will in fact reach it.

Anchoring on a future goal triggers reward centers in the brain, inducing a cognitively soothing effect. That feeling of accomplishment becomes part of your day-to-day identity. You readily adjust to this new state of being so much so that actually attaining a goal turns out to be less satisfying than expected.

While dedication to continuous personal improvement is admirable, it’s a slippery slope. When we get too caught up in future outcomes, we may attach to an unattainable illusion of perfection. We seek goal after goal, hoping something will make us happy, which reinforces a cycle of self-doubt and not feeling “good enough.”

Instead, it can develop into a cycle of searching for external things — accomplishments or material objects — to fulfill and complete us. There’s always new goals to take the place of those that have already been fulfilled. We go for bigger clients, seek larger raises or want to lose 15 pounds instead of five. We keep upping the ante.

Moreover, oftentimes once we reach the place where we thought we’d be happy, there’s new challenges and responsibilities to face. Getting a promotion may mean working longer hours, launching a side hustle involves constantly seeking new business and losing weight may incite jealousy among co-workers or mean fewer happy hours and fancy lunches, straining your networking strategy.

Steps to Overcoming the Most Common Goal-Setting Mistake

What the arrival fallacy teaches us is that although you may fill your life with evermore ambitious goals and projects, sometimes reaching these heights does not necessarily deliver happiness. Yes, as cliché as it sounds, it’s the journey not the destination that teaches lessons, reveals simple pleasures, brings new people into our lives and instills in us a genuine, internal sense of contentment.

All this isn’t to say that setting goals or shooting for success in a particular area of your career is a recipe for unhappiness or failure, rather it’s how you allow that goal to dictate your daily mood that can bring you down.

Striving for self-improvement is essential. Here’s how to do it in a healthy way that accelerates success.

Rediscover Your Mission

It can be easy to become so unshakably transfixed on achieving professional objectives such as banking a certain salary or earning a prestigious job title that your original purpose is forgotten. Mired in busywork and the daily ins and outs of your duties, you may lose sight of the bigger “why” that drives you. Without a sense of purpose, you climb the ladder of success with profound emptiness.

When this happens, dedicate intentional time to re-orient back to your mission. Take a day or two to refocus. You don’t have to travel anywhere. You can simulate a professional mini-retreat by asking yourself big questions like “What would I be doing if money wasn’t a problem?” or “When do I feel most alive?”

Through this internal exploration you may come to realize is what you covet more than a promotion or raise is the opportunity to make a meaningful impact, lead a team or simply feel more validated and appreciated at work.

Value The Process Over The End Result

In study after study, social scientists like Daniel Pink have found that external rewards and traditional financial incentives don’t improve employee performance. They may actually backfire, making it difficult for people to come up with creative solutions.

Instead research shows high achievement is the result of intrinsic drivers–that is, a desire to do something for inherent interests, self-fulfillment or enjoyment. Motivation increases when people have the desire to perfect their craft. Successful people enjoy the learning process and don’t mind when it continues beyond an expected time frame. They relish in the journey to mastery. They focus on the happiness cultivated along the path to a particular goal, not necessarily a material outcome.

Try savoring how satisfying closing a huge sale feels, how deeply loved and seen you feel when family take note of your accomplishments or appreciate the increased recognition your company is receiving in the industry.

Commit to a System

Setting an audacious goal–like publishing a book or launching a startup–can be a fantastic catalyst for change, but it’s not enough. You must commit to a process of taking action on a consistent basis.

Start with the question, “What could I do daily that would guarantee a result and move me forward?” to design your habit system. If you’re an aspiring author, create a weekly writing schedule. If you’re an entrepreneur, devise standard operating procedures to streamline your efforts. Whatever it is, it has to be an action you can sustain over time.

Recognize that Success Is Fluid

Understand that metrics of success — whether related to career, fitness, love or whatever else — are fluid and dynamic. There is always a higher rung in the ladder and over time your targets change. The ideal career when you’re in your 20s may be a poor work-life fit by the time you turn 35.

Instead of prescribing to career milestones society dictates you should have reached by a certain age or salary bracket, keep your options open, define success on your own terms and embrace the many opportunities you encounter on along the way.

Rather than work to attain a “cure-all” end goal, it’s important to view life as a succession of practices that build a imperfect yet wonderful big picture. Greatness comes from years grit, effort and many stumbles along the way.

The 5 Ways Emotional Neglect Causes Borderline Personality Disorder

-Jonice Webb, PhD

Sylvia

Sylvia sits with her head in her hands and tears rolling down her cheeks. “Here I am again, all alone. Why can’t I trust anyone? Why does the world hate me so much?” she cries in tearful despair.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): A lifelong pattern of unstable moods, unstable relationships, unpredictable emotions, and impulsive actions.

To live with borderline personality is to live with special pain and extra challenges, far beyond anything that most people ever experience. When you have BPD, you may feel positive and happy one minute, and have that all change the next. You may feel wonderfully loved by someone one day and hated by that person the next. You might put a friend, relative or spouse on a pedestal, only to have them become your most reviled enemy soon after.

Life feels unpredictable. It’s difficult to like yourself, or to have or sustain positive feelings in your life.

Research has shown several major factors to be the causes of BPD, including genetics, unpredictable parenting and abuse.

Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN): A childhood characterized by the absence of enough emotional attention, emotional validation and emotional responsiveness from one’s parents.

Sylvia doesn’t know it, but she is living with Borderline Personality Disorder. Another important thing that Sylvia doesn’t know: she grew up with an extreme version of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN).

Typical (Non-extreme) CEN

CEN children grow up in a household that is essentially blind to emotion. Children whose emotions are not noticed or responded to enough receive the subtle but powerful message that their emotions are invisible and irrelevant. In order to cope in their childhood home, they push their feelings down, so as not to burden themselves or their parents. These children grow into adults who are out of touch with their own feelings. This causes a pattern of adult struggles, including feelings of emptiness, poor self-knowledge, lack of emotional skills, self-directed anger and shame.

The CEN child hears two messages loud and clear:

Your feelings don’t matter.

YOU don’t matter.

Extreme CEN

Those who develop BPD often (not always because genetics are also a factor) were raised with an exaggerated, more punitive version of CEN, and often in an intensely emotional family. The person with BPD’s parents not only ignored her feelings, but also actively invalidated them. Sylvia’s parents actually rejected and punished the normal feelings that she had as a child. Since her feelings are the most deeply personal, biological part of who she is, Sylvia received these messages loud and clear:

Your feelings are bad and unacceptable.

YOU are bad and unacceptable.

The 5 Effects of Extreme CEN

Your learn that your feelings not only don’t matter; they are bad
You learn that you not only don’t matter; you are bad
You do not learn the emotion skills that other children learn naturally in their childhood home: how to identify, tolerate, manage, express, or use your emotions
You actively reject your emotional self; this leaves you feeling empty, since you’ve rejected the most deeply personal part of who you are.
Your identity, or your sense of self, becomes fragmented because you have rejected important parts of yourself

So Sylvia learned not only to push her emotions away; she also learned to punish herself for having feelings. She has no choice but to actively reject her true self. She feels uncomfortable in her own skin, and doesn’t like herself very much overall. She has not learned how to soothe her own emotional pain. This leaves her far more vulnerable to depression and anxiety.

Sylvia

Only yesterday, Sylvia felt on top of the world. People at work had seemed extra nice to her, which made her feel happy. After work she had run into an old acquaintance she’d had a falling-out with years before, and they’d had a nice chat, almost as if nothing had gone wrong between them.

But today, all of that was turned on its head. It was super busy at work, and her co-worker asked her to hurry in a way that Sylvia felt was rude. This left her feeling raw and vulnerable. Then, as she arrived at her car to drive home, she saw that her tire was flat. At that point Sylvia dissolved into tears. Feeling enraged at other people for being mean, the world for delivering her a flat tire, and herself for it all, she left her car as it was, and impulsively took a taxi home which was far outside her budget.

Now, with her head in her hands, Sylvia is overwhelmed with anger and pain.

“Here I am again, all alone. Why can’t I trust anyone? Why does the world hate me so much?” she cries in tearful despair.

Treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder

Interestingly enough, although CEN is not generally listed as a contributing factor to BPD, the most effective treatment method identified to date by research is one which specifically targets the primary symptoms of CEN. It’s Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT.

DBT teaches you a combination of mindfulness, interpersonal skills, distress tolerance, and emotion regulation. It is a very specific, structured method which helps you begin to intervene between your feelings and your actions so that you can become less emotionally impulsive, and learn to regulate your responses and behaviors in relationships and in your internal world.

Studies show that even though BPD is very painful and challenging, it is possible to lessen the symptoms, and to become more emotionally stable and resilient, with dedicated and persistent work and effective help over time.

So there is hope for Sylvia. She can learn that her emotions are not bad. And that in fact they will enrich and guide her, if she learns the skills she missed in childhood. She can learn that she’s not wrong or bad. She can realize that the world does not hate her.

But for Sylvia to decide to take on the work to change her life, she needs to realize a most vital truth that you and I already know:

That she is worth it.

A Step-Child’s Guide to Step-Parenting

Comments from the Teen’s World

-Paul C. Holinger, MD

I first met my step-father when I was five, and my brothers were eleven and thirteen. He was not my step-father back then, of course, and would not officially marry my mother for another seven years, but within a year he had assumed the role of father figure. From the moment he hopped off the Greyhound bus and embraced my mom, I understood the relationship they had and the potential consequences of it.

For the next two years, I spent every other weekend with my biological father, and the rest of my time at home with my mom and her later-rather-than-sooner to-be husband. My step-father, bless his heart, was not born with an inherent ability to parent. He entered my life as a spry twenty-seven-year-old, in love with my mother and intimidated by three rambunctious kids. The last thirteen years of our relationship have seen his rocky transition from live in boyfriend to confident father – and boy, would it have been easier if he knew what we know now: the three key components of becoming the best possible step-parent from the get-go.

Embrace your newfound identity

Step one in becoming the best possible step-parent is acknowledging and accepting the complexities of your new identity as a step-parent. Whether or not you have children from a previous relationship and are familiar with the ins-and-outs of parental responsibility, step-parenting is another beast entirely. The dynamic between a step-child and a step-parent is unique and complicated. Step-parenting requires transitioning from stranger to parental figure in the eyes of someone who has previously established parentage. While it is certainly possible, step-parenting lacks the ease of biological parenting. Generally speaking, birth parents are endowed with an inherent, insurmountable love and affection, gifted to them by their children before they are even capable of speech. Step-parents, on the other hand, have to overcome obstacles of time and unfamiliarity to create such a bond, just as kids themselves have to overcome wariness and uncertainty to accept a stranger as mom or dad.

Each family has its own story with its own peculiar complexities, but most have a moment in which the new boyfriend or girlfriend the kids see around the house twice a week becomes a parent. This moment could be literal, such as the wedding day or once adoption papers have been signed, or less explicit. For me, my step-dad leveled up, so to speak, once he began properly disciplining my brothers and me. He had lived with us for about a year and though he was an adult around the house, my mom was the parent. She worked three jobs and came home late most nights, while I spent a lot of time fighting with my older brothers – like, a lot. My step-dad, not yet married to my mother and unsure of his limitations, ran little interference. Once my mom walked through the door, he was free of the burden, and she would settle the disputes – who had pulled whose hair, why was Amelia crying, and how was Tyler’s favorite toy broken? Over time, my step-father became increasingly comfortable in his role and embraced his responsibility to parent independent of my mom, until we were as apprehensive of fighting in front of him as we were my mom.

Discipline, of course, is not the only way to express parental authority. It can be easy to misjudge situations and overact to conflicts, but, for my brothers and me, it was a key component in our seeing our step-dad as a father. Smaller acts of parentage, such as signing school forms, packing lunches, and acting chauffeur, have similar effects on the step-parent/step-child relationship. In short, if you embrace your parental responsibility, then your step-kid(s) will embrace your parental authority.

Schedule alone time with your step-kid(s)

This may seem obvious – every parent should spend time with their kids, right? – but it is so key to forging a durable relationship with your step-child(ren). As previously mentioned, kids have an instinctual and time-hardened relationship with their biological parent(s). Biological parents are around us from birth, with little separation until adulthood. As such, considerably less thought and effort goes into spending time with someone you have been with since before you can remember.

Being the generally shy, quiet kid I was, my early years were spent clinging to my mother’s side and avoiding one-on-one interaction with my step-father at all costs. Without my mom as a buffer, practicing tennis, playing video games, and attending car shows together was painfully awkward at first. Hanging out with my new step-dad was, frankly, not something I looked forward to for a long time, but the persistence and effort put forth by both ensured that that time paid off in the long run. Believe me when I say it is possible to live around someone and not with them; make an effort.

Find common hobbies or interests you share with your step-kid(s). If none exist, then try something new together. Sports, for example, provide something to do with one’s hands, while attending a festival or museum allow for easier conversation. Setting a weekly breakfast or movie date is also a good idea, as the ease of routine compounds to establish comfort and familiarity. Regardless, the activity itself is not important; the alone time is. In order to distinguish yourself as a parent independent of your partner, the onus is on you to create memories and experiences with your kids independent of said partner.

Facilitate your step-kid(s)’s relationship with your biological counterpart, if it exists

Families and the relationships that comprise them are messy. Every family has their little dramas and intricacies, and divorce is, unfortunately, an unbelievably common complication. Your average step-child could have, potentially, four parents – two biological parents and their respective spouses. While this certainly is not the case for everyone, if a child has a pre-existing, positive relationship with your counterpart, it is paramount that you enable its continuation.

Similar to divorce, the acquisition of a step-parent, or a parent’s remarriage, can thrust kids into the middle of tense adult relationships. It is easy to feel pulled between parents, and that pull breeds anxiety and resentment. Step-parents, despite what movies would have us believe, are not in competition with their spouse’s ex for a kid’s love and affection. Rather, they are a part of a whole. As a new step-parent aiming to grow your relationship with your step-child, you are responsible for mitigating the ill effects of separation and remarriage. Incorporate everyone into family gatherings, and allot all parties relatively equal time. Doing so alleviates children of the stress and pressures of navigating tumultuous relationships and choosing between parents. It is the adult, kind thing to do, regardless of personal dislike.

On a related note, it is important to not stress ‘mom’ or ‘dad’ titles. This pertains especially to those who were referred to as something else before (i.e. a first name) or have older step-kids. In the same way that one transitions from the use of a name to a nickname, transitioning from a first name to mom or dad is a process. Children are raised to call their moms ‘mom’ and dads ‘dad.’ Stereotypically, they are the first words out of our mouths and the first tangible emotional attachments we create. Titles are not indicative of one’s love or acceptance. Rather, they are the result of years and years of habit and association. Just as you would not pressure a significant other to say “I love you” before they are ready, you should not worry yourself or your step-kid(s) with what they choose to call you.

There will always be unique relationship dynamics in a family that change the approach one can or should take in establishing a bond with their step-child, but the vitality of time and effort is universal. Be mindful of the delicate, often times awkward situation step-children are placed in, and respond accordingly. Empathy and authenticity go a long way in becoming a trusted, respected, and loved parent.