Teaching About Social Meanness In Middle School

Developmental insecurity in early adolescence can cause cruelty at school.

Several books ago I wrote one, Why Good Kids Act Cruel, to help parents help their early adolescents in middle school deal with mistreatment from social cruelty in any of the five forms it commonly takes: teasing, exclusion, bullying, rumoring, and ganging up.

Why is social meanness more prevalent at this time? I believe the answer is because developmental insecurity from early adolescent change makes for a very vulnerable age. Pushing against and pulling away from parents, the young person begins separating from the sheltered and simpler life of childhood. Not only does fitting into family becomes more difficult to do as relationships with parents become more abrasive, but the young person must face the challenges of making a more independent way through a much larger, more complex, more daunting, and less caring world.

Now there is more sadness at the loss of childhood, more anxiety from feeling out of control, and experiencing less confidence and competence that both conspire to lower self-esteem. The early adolescent knows they can’t go back home to childhood again and that their only choice is to somehow, some way, find an adequate belonging place among their peers, all of whom are struggling to adapt to the same overwhelming sense of change. So making and maintaining friends, establishing and holding social position, can become a ruthless competition where social survival feels at stake, peers doing to peers what they feel they must to secure themselves, frequently resorting to social meanness to gain this end.

This is no age for adults to abandon adolescents to their own social devices, to figure out independently what are the rules of getting along with each other. Allow that social freedom and you risk young people generating some degree of a Lord of the Flies scenario that can play out to an extremely formative and destructive end, both for those who are given hurt and for those who learn to inflict it.

What to do? As the most significant adults, parents and middle school teachers can use their influence to help young people moderate the incidence of social cruelty and practice a more socially considerate way.

First, consider what parents might do. They can weigh in at home by stating that they are in the know. Specifically, they communicate understanding that this is a more socially aggressive age, that in middle school more teasing, exclusion, bullying, rumoring, and ganging up is likely to occur. Then they can request to be informed should any of this mistreatment come their child’s way so they can offer emotional and coaching support, and that failing, and with the young person’s permission, state a willingness to speak to the authorities at school to get the cruelty stopped. They also declare their wish that their son or daughter does not participate in these harmful behaviors.

Second, consider what the primary authorities at middle school might do, the classroom teachers. I suggest three influential actions they can take: define and openly discuss the five common forms of social cruelty; explain and discuss the larger social correlates of social cruelty in the adult world; and declare and discuss rules for communication and treatment among students in the teacher’s classroom.

DISCUSS THE FIVE FORMS OF SOCIAL CRUELTY.

Define social cruelty in terms of its five component behaviors. TEASING makes fun of or puts down some human characteristic or difference, usually by calling the person a negative name. EXCLUSION ignores or sets someone apart, isolating them as outsider to be left alone. BULLYING threatens, injures, or coerces so one person can dominate and control another. RUMORING spreads lies and damaging information through gossip to hurt someone’s social standing. GANGING UP unifies the greater number to hurt a single individual or a chosen few. When the teacher can bring these behaviors up for general discussion, then students are more likely to see them as a matter of choice.

This discussion raises the question: would they rather choose to create a student community ruled by social cruelty or by social consideration?

DISCUSS THE LARGER CORRELATES OF SOCIAL CRUELTY

Relate the five acts of social cruelty to larger societal dynamics to which they can lead.

Teasing can lead to social labeling and prejudice—the use of stereotyping and name-calling. “He’s worthless like all of them!” The classroom discussion question might be: In the larger society, how do people label other people in prejudicial ways, how does it feel to be so labeled, and what kinds of damage can be done?

Exclusion can lead to social selection and discrimination—the use of refusing membership and denying opportunity. “They don’t belong with us.” The classroom discussion question might be: In the larger society, how do people exclude others in discriminatory ways, how does it feel to be left out and kept out, and what kinds of damage can be done?

Bullying can lead to social harassment and coercion—the use of threats and acts of harm. “It’s fun to push her around.” The classroom discussion question might be: In the larger society how do people subordinate others in threatening ways, how does it feel to be so intimidated, and what kinds of damage can be done?

Rumoring can lead to social defamation and libeling—the use of lies to slander. “I’ve heard a lot about them and none of it is good.” The classroom discussion question might be: In the larger society, how do people defame others, how does it feel to have one’s reputation attacked, and what kinds of damage can be done?

Ganging Up can lead to social persecution and oppression—the use of domination and might. “We get our way with them because there are more of us.” The classroom discussion question might be: In the larger society how do people use their majority against a smaller group, how does it feel to be in that minority, and what kinds of damage can be done?

This discussion helps students understand that social cruelty behaviors are not limited to school, but can contribute to larger and more damaging issues in the larger society.

DISCUSS RULES OF SOCIAL TREATMENT IN THE CLASSROOM COMMUNITY.

The classroom is a community, and its leader is the teacher who is empowered to say: “As your teacher, this is my classroom. I am responsible for what goes on in here so I make the rules. These are five kinds of rules for how people treat each other and communicate with each other that I expect to be observed.

No Teasing: Only call people by the name they want to be called. Don’t use names or labels that hurt people’s feelings. The point of teasing is to wound other people with mean words. In this classroom, everyone has a right to be spoken to kindly.

No Exclusion: If you see someone being left out or sitting alone, invite them to join you. Don’t shun people or try to keep them out. The point of exclusion is to show other people they don’t belong. In this classroom, everyone has a right to belong.

No Bullying: Don’t push anyone around to get your way. Don’t try to threaten or scare anyone. The point of bullying is to intimidate others. In this classroom, everyone has a right to feel safe.

No Rumoring: If mean gossip comes your way don’t pass it on. Don’t make up and tell stories about people that you know can be hurtful if believed. The point of rumoring is to damage someone’s reputation. In this classroom, everyone has a right to their good name.

No Ganging up: Don’t join a group to torment someone else. Don’t play the game of greater numbers against anyone. The point of ganging up is to use the force of many to hurt a few. In this classroom, everyone has a right to be treated as an equally valued part of the whole.”

Discussing and posting these rules of classroom conduct can remind students about how not to mistreat each other.

The greater the incidence of social cruelty in middle school, the more the well of student relationships becomes poisoned, the more students grow concerned with personal safety at the expense of academic focus and classroom learning. In this sense, social cruelty is usually the enemy of academic achievement.

Since it is rooted in the developmental insecurity of early adolescent change, social cruelty in middle school should not be treated as a problem to be fixed and done away with by a one-time intervention, but treated as developmental adolescent reality that must be continually addressed by ongoing adult attention.

Incidents of social cruelty are never going to go away in middle school. For this reason, I believe that parents, and particularly teachers, have a pivotal role to play in helping students keep the incidence of these harmful behaviors down.

-Carl E Pickhardt, PhD

5 Better Ways to Deal With Disappointment

…and why being hard on yourself isn’t part of the solution.

When people marry, they are usually determined to make it through thick and thin, impervious to divorce and discontent, even though two out of five couples will separate and only 30 percent will enjoy a happy marriage. Nearly 80 percent of people have an optimism bias when it comes to personal success and attributes.2 So naturally, feelings of disappointment hit us hard when things turn sour. How do we return to a sweeter disposition after suffering disappointments? Letting go is an essential component to happiness, but how can we actually let go?

Placing hope on our environment—where it is more difficult to feel optimistic due to our innate negative bias—can also cause devastating feelings of disappointment. For example, let’s say we engage in the political process and start believing in a better future and a promising political candidate. And then he or she loses the election. How can we possibly let go of such disappointment and not fantasize about moving to another galaxy—or at least to Canada? Everyone talks about “letting go” but little is said about what enables us to do so. Letting go is expected but rarely taught.

When we cannot let go after what is seen as a culturally appropriate period, people may label us crybabies or sore losers. Few will say it directly, but when we’re stuck being disappointed, these are the messages we often receive: “Get real and get with it.” “Just let go.” And finally, “Move on already, will you?”

So, let’s look at the “how” of letting go a bit more kindly, with less judgment and more creativity.

Let’s say milk is spilled. “Not a problem,” says the person who does not really need the milk, unlike the one who does, especially when she identifies a pattern of unnecessary spills caused by those who do not need the milk. While the former just takes a deep breath, picks up a rag and wipes off the milk, the latter tends to have an emotional response. And when she is starving, the response tends to linger longer.

Obviously it is the individual inner and outer realities which make rolling with the punches an easy or challenging task. Nobody on the outside knows what spilled milk means to your life. Maybe you don’t even know yourself. So the first step may just be to…

Be empathetic and mindful. Do not beat yourself up; claim your experience without judgment. Plenty of people pounce on opportunities to put others down. Don’t do their job for them. Instead, stand by you and be your own best friend. Claim your experience as one that’s generated by you for good reason. Just looking at yourself with kind attention can loosen your rigidities. Beyond that…

Ask good questions. What exactly triggered your emotions? What does the disappointment really mean to you? Are you partially agreeing with the person who disappointed you? What would you or the world be like if you let go of your negative feelings? Do you think someone is helped by your holding on? Continue to be mindful during the inquiry. When this does not suffice…

Reframe and gain perspective. Coming back to the milk analogy, are you exaggerating somehow, reacting to the spilled milk as though you’re starving when you aren’t? Sometimes we believe ourselves too much, focusing on the transitional negative as if it were the whole picture. Sometimes all we need to do is tell ourselves a better, more complete story.

Focus is immensely important when we try to gain perspective. When my favored political candidate loses, I switch gears, refocus, and reframe. Instead of focusing on a particular election, I focus on living in a democracy or improving the nation. Also, I never completely sever myself from the widest of all perspectives: The union of all things, the miracle of life. Leaning on something greater than ourselves and accessing what I refer to as the “Supreme Mode” of consciousness can be learned, as laid out in A Unified Theory of Happiness. Even though perspective is practically everything…

You can also wash sorrow out with joy. This is a Chinese proverb I’ve come to cherish. Sometimes we need to focus on the good and divert our attention from the bad. While I am a strong believer in “facing and embracing” our truth, sometimes smelling the roses when we don’t quite feel like it can work miracles. Along these lines…

Change something you can. When the milk is spilled, the milk is spilled. Nothing can be done about the past. But maybe there is something we can do in the now. Doing something positive when feeling stuck has the power to yank us out of the mud. “If you feel discouraged, encourage someone else,” a wise person once said. Lost an election? Clean up your backyard. Feeling hurt? Join a gym. This is not denying a problem, but getting your system going again by starting a ripple effect in an area of your life that does not seem to relate to the original disappointment. As everything is somehow connected, the waves we trigger with one simple action may eventually remove the obstacles to the flow of life once more.

-Andrea F. Polard, PsyD

Dialectical (“Open Minded”) Thinking

Many times we can find ourselves in rigid thinking patterns that keep us from being able to effectively problem solve or get our needs met, leaving us in conflict with ourselves or other people.

“Dialectal” means that two ideas can be true at the same time. There is more than one way to see a situation and more than one true opinion, idea, thought or dream.

Two things that seem opposite can both be true. Everyone has something unique, different, and worthy to teach us.

A life worth living has both comfortable and uncomfortable aspects. And all points of view have true and false within them.

Examples: you are right and the other person is right. You are doing the best you can in this moment, and you need to change. You can take care of yourself and need help and support.

Dialectical or open minded thinking means letting go of “black and white,” “all or nothing” ways of seeing a situation. It is about finding a way to validate the other’s viewpoint and expanding our way of seeing things. Dialectal thinking is being more flexible and approachable. It is about avoiding assumptions and blaming. Avoiding extreme words–like, “always, never, you make me;” for example instead of saying “everyone treats me unfairly, “ you say “sometimes I am treated unfairly and at other times I am treated fairly.”

No one owns the truth. Be open and willing. (Linehan)

-Marie Turco, LCSW, CCDP-D

4 Ways to Survive Unexpected Situations

Expert advice for maintaining your confidence and finding a positive outcome.

Life throws unexpected things at us all the time. Some we like—such as finding a $20 bill on the sidewalk—but many of them we don’t, such as missing a flight due to an extra long line at airport security. Sometimes unexpected events can be much more serious, such as an illness or a job loss. Needless to say, these kinds of events can be quite distressing.

What you need to rely on most during these difficult times is your ability to think creatively and solve problems. However, research shows that negative emotions such as fear, anger, and frustration can actually cause your brain’s executive network, which is responsible for problem solving, to constrict and work less effectively. On the other hand, positive emotions help your brain generate more creative solutions to problems.

How can you become more successful at dealing with life’s curve balls? Although you can’t control the occurrence of unexpected situations, you can control how you respond—and that can make all the difference in how you feel and how you deal with distressing issues. Following are four ways to survive unexpected stress, and maybe even come out ahead:

1. Pause before you act.

There is a huge difference between a reaction and a response. A reaction comes from an automatic part of the brain. It is almost like a reflex. Reactions are very quick, especially when we feel threatened in someway. On the other hand, a response is something you consciously choose to do based on a more thoughtful assessment of a situation. For example, when someone cuts you off in traffic your automatic reaction might be to get angry and assume the driver is deliberately being rude or thoughtless. This anger can cause you to want to retaliate in some way. By pausing and taking time to think, you give yourself a window of opportunity to pick a better option. You might decide that retaliating is not in your best interest or you may realize that the driver wasn’t deliberately trying to be disrespectful, but was simply not paying attention. For most people, practicing deep breathing and counting to 10 can help restrain a reaction long enough to choose a better response. If you are a very visual person you may even imagine yourself aiming a remote control at the situation and pushing the pause button. Practicing mindfulness on a regular basis is another great way to increase your ability to pause before acting.

2. Don’t assume that the things you don’t want are bad. 

Most people automatically assume that if something they don’t want happens to them, it’s a bad thing that will likely lead to an even worse outcome down the road. If you break up with your partner, you may think it is awful because you will never find anyone better and you will always be alone. If you don’t get a job you sought, you may think no one will ever hire you and you will be stuck living with your parents forever. Thinking this way inevitably makes you feel terrible.

For most of the things that happen to you, there’s no way of knowing whether they will be a bad thing or a good thing—and which one an event turns out to be often has a lot to do with how you respond. If you end a relationship, blame yourself, become despondent, and never leave the house, you increase the likelihood of not finding another relationship. However, if you accept that, for whatever reason, it was not the right relationship for you, maintain a positive attitude, believe that a better relationship is coming your way, and then get involved in fun activities, you significantly increase the likelihood of finding another great partner, possibly one who is an even better match.

Unexpected situations often have the potential to open the door to new events in our lives that we do want. If you miss your plane, you may end up meeting the love of your life on a different flight. If you lose your job and are forced to move to a new city, you may meet a great new set of friends, or find your dream home. You never know what will come of a situation, so rather than assuming a situation is bad, which only generates lots of unhelpful, negative emotions, practice saying to yourself, “We shall see.” Then make an effort to look ahead with hope.

3. Plan for everything to turn out well.

Many people hope for the best, but plan for the worst. The problem with this strategy is that we act on our expectations, yet our actions create our experiences. If you want a good outcome, you have to plan for one because that is what leads to the actions that create good experiences. An unexpected event is one you didn’t plan for, but that doesn’t mean you can’t plan to create the best possible outcome from the situation. We all have the ability to shift our attention from an unexpected event that seems like a big problem and focus instead on finding the solution. The minute you ask yourself what you can do to make something better, you have taken the first step in planning for events to go well. When you see a plan laid out in front of you for how to make something turn out well, your assessment of the situation starts to change. You regain your sense of control and as a result you start to feel better.

4. Trust in your ability to be OK.

Most people have been through more than one difficult thing in their life. You’ve probably already been through several significant challenges and quite a few smaller bumps in the road. No one likes them, but most of us survive them. When you are in the middle of a difficult situation, instead of assuming it won’t work out, think about the things you have already been through and ask yourself, “What did I do to get through those events?” Knowing your own strength is important for self-confidence. If focusing on your strong qualities doesn’t come naturally, ask someone who knows you well to give you a boost. When you redirect your attention from a problem to the knowledge that you’re able to handle it, you will start to feel better.

-Jennice Vilhauer, PhD

Exercise as an Anti-Depressant

The following exercise tips offer a powerful prescription for boosting mood:

  • Exercise now… and again. A 10-minute walk can improve your mood for two hours. The key to sustaining mood benefits is to exercise regularly.
  • Choose activities that are moderately intense. Aerobic exercise undoubtedly has mental health benefits, but you don’t need to sweat strenuously to see results.
  • Find exercises that are continuous and rhythmic (rather than intermittent). Walking, swimming, dancing, yoga, and cycling or stationery biking are good choices.
  • Add a mind-body element. Activities such as yoga and tai chi rest your mind and increase your energy. You can also add a meditative element to walking or swimming by repeating a mantra (a word or phrase) as you move.
  • Start slowly, and don’t overdo it. More isn’t better. Athletes who over train find their moods drop rather than lift.

-Talkspace

The Power of “No”

How rejection can be a positive form of support.

Wikipedia

When we talk about our most valuable friends, we usually begin by listing those who are kind and caring, there when we need them, and supportive of our choices. While these qualities are certainly important, there is one other type of support from trusted friends, colleagues, and mentors that is surprising and absolutely essential: rejection.

Now, at first glance, embracing rejection may sound exceptionally strange. “Isn’t rejection something we usually try to avoid?” Indeed, we have all at some point in the past been bitten by harsh words from people who were unhappy with us. This is certainly not the type of rejection I’m talking about. Instead, in the context of our closest relationships, supportive rejection is that neutral or kind voice sharing with us concerns about the choices we are making, how we are behaving, and how we are treating ourselves and others. Since we are all (present company included) capable of deceiving ourselves, long-term success rests heavily on having trusted others in our lives who are willing to point out when they think we are going off-course.

There are three types of rejection that we all may need at various times from the important people in our lives. Before I share these, however, I’d like you to consider the following questions: First, are you a person who actively seeks input and critical feedback from the people closest to you? Second, do you respond graciously and gratefully when others share their suggestions, even when the advice doesn’t resonate with your current perspective? Each of these represent skills that take great courage, a strong self-esteem, and a powerful commitment to your own growth and success.

So what are these forms of rejection that are important forms of support? Let’s call them the Three Rs:

The first R stands for REFUSAL. One of the main reasons we are successful is that our parents were willing to support us by refusing or rejecting many of our preferences regarding food choices, bedtime, and homework vs. play, etc. They likely incurred our wrath, but they were doing the right thing, trying to provide us with the good health, structure, and discipline we needed to succeed in the world. Such positive refusal in adulthood is often met with dissatisfaction. For example, one of the great frustrations many physicians face is patients who become angry when doctors do not prescribe unnecessary medications, such as antibiotics or pain pills that can cause addiction. The doctor may be supporting a client’s health, but the patient may not be able to see this perspective. On the other hand, there are numerous examples where refusal has also been used purposefully and respectfully to achieve exceptional outcomes. In business and creative endeavors, for example, founder and CEO of Amazon Jeff Bezos describes an interesting process for creating new products. He invites his staff to tell him “this will never work” and to describe why (refusal), then they build the company’s successful products from there.  As he describes it, “By the end, I am never sure I invented anything at all.”

The second R stands for REFRAMING. This occurs when a supportive person chooses to reject our perspective of a behavior or situation, allowing us to look at it from a different angle. For example, if you were to cry in front of a friend, you may immediately begin to wipe away the tears and apologize. The good friend does not reject our grief or the crying itself, but instead rejects our apology with a comment such as, “I’m glad you trust me enough to let me see you this way. It only makes me care for you more.”  When 3M, one of the most innovative companies in the world, experiences a product failure, they set off a cannon and have a party! They reject the idea that the product was a flop and, instead, reframe the message to assure their creative workforce that every failure brings them closer to success. A most poignant example of supportive reframing comes from a personal experience: When I was about eight years old, I was riding in the car with my father, who was not someone I usually confided in. Much to both of our surprise, I started to cry. He asked, “What’s wrong son?” I blurted out, “Dad I think I’m ugly….my ears are so big!” If he’d said that they were not, I doubt it would have helped. However, after a few moments of silence, he confidently said, “Don’t worry son, your head will grow.” Perfect logic to an eight-year old boy, and a wonderful example of the power of reframing.

The third R stands for REFERRAL. This type of support occurs when we take a problem to a friend or colleague and they, in turn, gently guide us to the person or resource they feel would be more appropriate or helpful. Essentially, they reject themselves as the source of support and wisely steer us to someone or someplace where we might receive better help.

In the end, our most valuable life friends and partners are not only those who are most attentive, caring, and supportive of our choices, but also the ones willing to reject us – to refuse, reframe, and refer as needed when challenges arise. A friend who can deliver one of more of these R’s is a rare and precious find, and we cannot get very far in life without them.

-Robert J. Maurer, PhD, The Traits of Excellence

Helping a Partner, Relative or Child who is Recovering from Trauma

Trauma can be described as a mental injury that is stored in the body and the brain. It’s an experience that overwhelms our natural ability to cope effectively. Managing the symptoms and daily experience of trauma recovery can be a constant battle, for both the survivor and those around them. Here are some information about the traumatized brain and tips for supporting your loved one in an effective way and creating an environment for healing and connection after trauma.

  • Trauma changes to way that neurons fire, the connections made, and chemical and electrical signals sent through the body. Repetition of care, safety, and regular sensory input in a positive environment, through a positive relationship leads to changes in the brain.
  • All learning is experiential and in the context of relationships, be flexible and adaptable to retraining the traumatized person’s responses, triggers and sense of safety
  • Structure, routine, and providing a sense of control can ease some of the daily symptoms. Set the individual up for success through these tools and involve them in creating it.
  • The positive neural effects of a relational reward (hug, positive comment, supportive activity) lasts about 8 minutes for a child, 30-60 minutes for an adult. How can you add more to support change?
  • Brain growth and new neural connections (neuroplasticity) can occur at anytime over the lifespan. But it can only occur only when the child or adult feels safe and secure, able to relax hyperarousal and/or dissociative (vigilance or numbness) in order to create new neural pathways. Trauma most impact lower brain functioning including self regulation, fight/ flight/ freeze responses, heart rate, breathing, temperature control, and emergency response. You can access this part of the brain, and help healing and growth happen, by using sensory interventions including rhythmic repetitive movement, patterned breathing, exercise, bouncing a ball or squeezing a toy, massage, jumping etc.

-Angie Gunn, LCSW

Muhammad Ali and Where Determination Lives in the Brain

How hard we push ourselves is linked to our assessment of risk and reward.

Widely known by the moniker “The Greatest of All Time”, Muhammad Ali has died at age 74. He was born as Cassius Clay Jr. in 1942 in Louisville, Kentucky and went on to win the 1960 Olympic light heavyweight gold medal in Rome. Ali began his 21-year career as a professional boxer in 1960 and stepped out of the ring for the last time in 1981; Muhammad Ali had 56 wins and 5 losses in 61 fights.
Including all titles from all sanctioning bodies, Ali held 8 championship belts. The longest stretch of maintaining his crown was between February 25, 1964 and February 6, 1967. During this almost 3 year stretch he was at the very top of his game and defended his title 9 times.

In an earlier post I quoted Ali talking about belief, determination, confidence and performance. When Muhammad Ali said that being a champion is much more than physical training that in addition champions “…have deep inside them-a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have the skill, and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill.”

This concept of determination and will to succeed was clearly at the core of Ali throughout his life. Behaviorally we can think of determination as including a weighing of risk and reward. In the context of Muhammad Ali, a boxing champion risks a great deal to achieve the reward of success inside and outside of the ring.

In the context of neuroscience, recent work shows that we can consider the weighing of risk and reward in our brains as including an assessment of the effort required to achieve the reward. We also now know where some of this assessment and possible seat of determination may live–in the very basement of your brain. This has been revealed by work done in Parkinson’s Disease–and thus links even more to Muhammad Ali’s lived experience with that disorder.

A recent study “The human subthalamic nucleus encodes the subjective value of reward and the cost of effort during decision-making” was published in the journal Brain by Alexandre Zenon and colleagues from Belgium, France, and the UK. In this paper Zenon and collaborators studied the electrical signaling in a cluster of neurons called the subthalamic nucleus found in the basal ganglia deep under the cerebral cortex.

Because of it’s interactions within the basal ganglia and role in movement control, the subthalamic nucleus is a target for deep brain stimulation in efforts to improve the motor symptoms of Parkinson’s Disease. Zenon and colleagues made made recordings of activity from the subthalamic nucleus while participants with Parkinson’s were asked to make choices on when and how strongly to physically squeeze an instrumented ball depending upon the perceived reward. The recordings from the subthalamic nucleus showed clear relationships between the level of effort and the reward to be achieved.

In the context of neuroscience, recent work shows that we can consider the weighing of risk and reward in our brains as including an assessment of the effort required to achieve the reward. We also now know where some of this assessment and possible seat of determination may live–in the very basement of your brain. This has been revealed by work done in Parkinson’s Disease–and thus links even more to Muhammad Ali’s lived experience with that disorder.

A recent study “The human subthalamic nucleus encodes the subjective value of reward and the cost of effort during decision-making” was published in the journal Brain by Alexandre Zenon and colleagues from Belgium, France, and the UK. In this paper Zenon and collaborators studied the electrical signaling in a cluster of neurons called the subthalamic nucleus found in the basal ganglia deep under the cerebral cortex.

Because of it’s interactions within the basal ganglia and role in movement control, the subthalamic nucleus is a target for deep brain stimulation in efforts to improve the motor symptoms of Parkinson’s Disease. Zenon and colleagues made made recordings of activity from the subthalamic nucleus while participants with Parkinson’s were asked to make choices on when and how strongly to physically squeeze an instrumented ball depending upon the perceived reward. The recordings from the subthalamic nucleus showed clear relationships between the level of effort and the reward to be achieved.

This study reveals two major things. Relays through the subthalamic nucleus in the basal ganglia are strongly related to assessments of risk and reward. That is, part of our sense of determination may live here. Also, in the words of the researchers, this work shows that part of the Parkinson’s disease symptoms “…may be caused by a disruption of the processes involved in balancing the value of actions with their associated effort cost.”

Our adaptive human behavior is predicated on our ability to choose our actions based on how much effort and energy will be needed to achieve them. This fantastic example of evolutionary conservation of energy expenditure based on risk-reward and cost-benefit calculations is constantly occurring within the basal ganglia in all of us.

It is also tempting to speculate that, in the absence of neuropathology like Parkinson’s, our efforts–like those of the champions alluded to by the quote from Muhammad Ali above–can lead to beneficial changes within these circuits. Changes that can allow us to push ourselves to greater achievements.

Perhaps, in my attempt to paraphrase the late, great Ali, as our will becomes stronger than our skill our determination to achieve may grow greater still.

-E. Paul Zehr, PhD

How Much Exercise is Too Much?

If you take it to an extreme, it can become harmful.

As good as exercise is for you—and it’s very good for most people—too much of good thing can have negative consequences. Exercise puts physical stress on all your body parts and can ultimately lead to permanent damage to muscles, joints, and bones if you work too hard, too soon, or if you don’t follow recommended safety precautions.

Some people appear to become addicted to exercise in the same obsessive way a food addict becomes addicted to eating certain foods or a gambler becomes addicted to poker or horse races. There’s a psychological addiction that many researchers believe has a neurological basis, not unlike a cocaine or alcohol addiction. The terms “exercise addiction” and “exercise dependence” have been used by researchers to describe someone who over-exercises to the degree that it has negative effects on both their mental and physical health. About 3 percent of those who exercise are thought to have an exercise addiction.

One key component of an addiction is when someone continues a certain behavior in spite of their knowledge and/or experience with negative consequences from that behavior. So, if a drug addict destroys their family life, can’t pay the rent, or ends up in a hospital or jail because of drug use, and continues using and abusing drugs, that behavior could point to an addiction. At this time, no criteria has been established for diagnosing an exercise addiction and it is unclear what constitutes “excess” for any individual, since there can be many factors involved. Excessive exercise in and of itself can’t be considered a disorder unless the excessive behavior results in some type of mental or physical harm to the individual. That doesn’t mean there is no such thing as an exercise addiction; it simply means that more research and collaboration is necessary to officially define the term and establish criteria that would allow for a diagnosis.

However, over-exercising can be one sign of an eating disorder. The two types of eating disorders that can involve over-exercising are anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. People with anorexia are underweight, extremely afraid of being fat, usually eat very little, and spend much of their time trying to purge any and all calories they consume by vomiting, using laxatives, and exercising excessively. Those with bulimia are usually normal weight or overweight, often eat excessive amounts of food, and purge or resort to extreme exercising to burn off the extra calories they eat. Since both of these disorders have severe nutritional and medical consequences, if you or anyone you know shows signs of an eating disorder, it is important to consult a medical professional, who can steer you toward the appropriate type of help. 
Even if you don’t think you overexercise, have an established, sensible workout regime—about an hour a day, up to seven days a week for the average person—and you’re comfortable with the exercises you’re doing, you may still need to slow down or call it quits for awhile in order to prevent harm. It’s important to recognize signs of trouble. Whenever you’re doing aerobic exercise, you should be able to carry on a conversation at the same time. If you’re gasping for breath, feeling faint or dizzy, feeling any pain, or getting nauseous, it’s time to slow down or take a break. Any time you’re sick, injured, or tired from lack of sleep is a good time to take a day or two off.

-Susan McQuillan, MS, RDN

4 Mistakes We All Make When Trying to Cheer Someone Up

We’ve all been there: A friend seeks us out to open up about an issue in their life that’s causing them distress. Maybe we think what they’re going through is trivial, so we spout off a quick reply in attempt to reassure them it’s nothing. Or maybe we think what they’re up against is so crazy or awful that we couldn’t possibly help them in any way, and we have no idea what to say, so we just blurt out… something. Either way, we later realize our efforts to make them feel better may not have been the best way to react.

Unfortunately, despite our good intentions, attempting to cheer someone up can backfire—in part, researchers believe, because those on the receiving end of our well-meaning efforts may feel indebted to us after the fact, be embarrassed at needing support in the first place, or interpret offers of assistance as confirmations that they’re weak or incompetent .

The fallout from failed bids to boost our friends’ moods can also take a toll on our own well-being, dragging down our happiness, depleting our patience with someone who’s suffering, and leaving us less satisfied in our relationships with them .

But lest we give up altogether on consoling our pals (after all, that’s what friends are for, right?), there are a few science-backed strategies we can deploy to prevent all parties involved from feeling hurt or regretting our words or actions.

The Slippery Slope of Support

But support can be tricky, especially because to truly be there for someone else can involve an uncomfortable level of intimacy and vulnerability on our own part, says Karyn Hall, Ph.D., creator of DBTcoaching.com and author of The Emotionally Sensitive Person. The wish to dispel negative emotions the moment they crop up often causes us to push friends in need toward optimism too soon or to try to fix their feelings through advice that may not be right for them. All of this bypasses what our friends usually need in moments of turmoil: emotional validation, or, in Hall’s words, “the recognition and acknowledgment that their internal experience is understandable and acceptable.”

Sometimes this means simply being there for your friend, no matter what. Other times it calls for truly and mindfully listening to their troubles, granting them your full attention and being completely present, Hall explains. Either way, the point is to convey to your friend that they do fit in and that they’re not weird or unacceptable. “If you validate someone’s emotions, those emotions decrease in intensity, allowing the person who felt them to think more clearly,” Hall says.

Danger Zones

There are four common things we all do (us too!) when intending to comfort a pal that can actually make the situation worse for them (and us in turn). But these potential traps are easy to sidestep.

1. Being Mr. or Mrs. Bright Side

You might think putting a positive spin on a friend’s problem(s) would help them cheer up. But reframing setbacks—like totally bungling a job interview or being broken up with—as great opportunities—“Don’t worry! You’re so great, you’ll find something better!”—may make some people feel invalidated, unheard, and misunderstood, says Denise Marigold, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at Renison University College.

Reframing setbacks as great opportunities may make some people feel invalidated.

The people least likely to be enjoy peering through others’ rose-colored lenses are those with low self-esteem, Marigold adds. They interpret so-called positive reframing as feedback that their reactions aren’t acceptable or that it’s not OK to feel negatively.

“All of us have a bias toward wanting others to see us as we see ourselves,” Marigold explains, tipping her hat to what psychologists call self-verification theory. “Because people low in self-esteem tend to hold a more pessimistic view of potential outcomes and take failures more personally, hearing a friend say ‘No, it’s fine; you’ll do better next time!’ makes them feel that friend doesn’t get them.”

Do this instead: Rather than pointing out silver linings or urging our buds to keep their chins up, Marigold advises to engage our listening skills, pay attention to the emotional content of what our friends are saying, and validate what they’re feeling. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with them—especially not if they’re telling you how worthless, stupid, or otherwise defective they are as people. But, she says, a genuine attempt to convey that their frustration is perfectly reasonable and appropriate—à la “That sounds so disappointing. You were really let down, weren’t you?”—can at least make them feel heard and connected to someone who cares.

2. Offering Unsolicited Advice

We know you’re not trying to be dismissive when you give a friend a few tips on what you think they should do when they’re down in the dumps. But unrequested recommendations about what’s in someone else’s best interest may make them less likely to enjoy our company and potentially encourage them to do the opposite of whatever we suggest .

“Often, people know what they want to do or should do,” Marigold says. “They’re coming to you to feel understood and cared for, not because they want you to give them a solution.”

Do this instead: Unless someone asks for advice, don’t give it, Marigold recommends. It’s better to ask questions about their situation to better understand what they’re going through. Try things like: “It sounds like you felt abandoned, is that right?” “Then what happened?” “What did it feel like to hear s/he no longer wanted to remain friends?” “What did you say or wish you had said?” As they talk about their predicament, listen rather than trying to control the conversation, Marigold adds.

3. Writing a Referral

It can be heartbreaking to watch someone we love suffer and not have a clue how to help them. In such cases, we may be compelled to recommend they “get professional help.” While our intent may be to steer them toward solid care, we risk sounding dismissive, disinterested in actually being there for our friend, and ultimately making them feel even less understood than they did when they first sought us out, Hall says.

Do this instead: Because there are numerous cases in which you may not be qualified to deal with or handle the magnitude of another person’s emotional turmoil (because how many of us are trained mental health professionals?), Hall recommends gently broaching the very uncomfortable proposition that someone may want to consider seeing a shrink.

For starters, don’t do it unless you have the mental wherewithal yourself to be compassionate. Read: If you’re hungry, tired, or otherwise running low on patience, save the suggestion for a more optimal moment.

When you do get around to proposing this possibility, do so compassionately and with careful attention to avoid judgment or blame. To segue into the topic, Hall recommends something like: “My heart breaks because I can see the pain you’ve been in for a while now. I wish I knew how to fix this, and I’m definitely here for you. I wonder, though, if someone else who has better ideas and better training could help you get out of this pain as well. Have you ever thought about that?”

4. Spilling Your Own Guts

Besties share everything, so why not reveal your similar issues to a friend in need so they can compare or feel less alone? Because things can get dicey. You risk upstaging their suffering, overwhelming them at an inappropriate time with more woes than they can handle, and ultimately leaving them feeling massively unheard .

Do this instead: Hall says that it’s perfectly fine to share your own experience with a friend in turmoil—provided you keep the focus on your friend. Don’t take their opening up as a cue to unleash your childhood woes, the fact that you hate your boss, or your dissatisfaction with your partner’s performance in bed. But do empathize if and when you can, with something like “I’ve been in a situation where someone else made me feel small too, and it’s not fun,” or “After my last breakup, I didn’t think I was going to make it either. I felt so alone. I hear where you’re coming from. It sucks!” Then after you offer your own experience, be sure to steer the conversation back to your friend. “I felt like my whole life collapsed and that I couldn’t trust anyone ever again when that happened to me. Is this anywhere near to what you’re feeling?” is a good transition.

The Takeaway

The fact that nobody’s perfect is evident in our frequently bungled attempts to better a friend’s outlook when they’re feeling low. But many of our errors in this arena may come from overthinking what support entails. Rather than trying to solve a pal’s problems or tell them what we think they should (or should not) do, the most helpful approach can be simply to listen, explore with them what they’re going through, and convey that we care, we’re here, and they’re most certainly not alone.

-Katherine Schreiber